


Long Way Back

by paxton1976



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aftermath of Suicide Attempt, Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Burning, Career Ending Injuries, Complete, Cutting, Depression, Getting Back Together, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hope, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mild Language, Nightmares, Overcoming Depressive Episode, Past Abuse, Past Violence, Recovery Relapse, Relationship Problems, Self-Harm, Shoplifting, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, aftermath of suicide, rash decisions, silver lining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 04:59:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12226254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: Yuri hits his breaking point after a career ending injury, crushing Otabek by the thought of losing him forever.I can’t do this anymoreThe past year had been what nightmares were born from, but he thought it was much worse.  He had the world in the palm of his hand, was on top of his game.  But one night and a wrong decision had it crashing down in minutes.He leaned against the bathtub and closed his eyes, coming to terms with his plan of action.  He had nothing left to live for.  His career had been cut short, most he considered friends had left his life following his tragic accident.  He had isolated himself from those who remained by his side, snapping at them every time he saw them.  It wasn’t fair to them, and he knew they didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his anger.Therapy hadn’t helped him at all.  His psychologist gave him ways to get over his toxic feelings and anger, but he was too consumed with rage.  Considering it a waste of time, he had stopped attending his sessions a couple weeks ago.That’s when he decided on his final act, one last thing the world would remember him by.





	1. My Way of Saying Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I said there was going to be a fic darker than [Firestarter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11783577/chapters/26571480), here it is. I have to put this warning here as this is a VERY graphic and situation heavy fic.
> 
> **_***TRIGGER WARNING***_ **
> 
> If you can't deal with suicide, don't read this. I don't want anyone to go back to dark feelings at all. If you read this and feel despair or you can't handle it, please get help.  
>  If at anytime in your life, please call your local suicide prevention number. This [link](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html) is for crisis lines all over the world. If your country isn't listed, please find the number.
> 
> Only note I have for this chapter is 112 is the Emergency Management Services number in Russia.
> 
> And again, music drives my soul and what would one of my fics be without a theme song. They help me get over horrible feelings.  
>  Videotape by Radiohead is the theme song. I don't want to link it as it is a very controversial video and I couldn't find a lyrics one. If you want, check it out. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

_I can’t do this anymore…_

Taking the final swig of vodka, he chucked the empty pint across the bathroom, watching it shatter as it hit the counter.  The past year had been the stuff from which nightmares were born, but he thought it was much worse.  He had the world in the palm of his hand, was on top of his game.  But one night and a wrong decision had it crashing down in minutes.

He leaned against the bathtub and closed his eyes, coming to terms with his plan of action.  He had nothing left to live for.  His career had been cut short, most he considered friends had left his life following his tragic accident.  He had isolated himself from those who remained by his side, snapping at them every time he saw them.  It wasn’t fair to them, and he knew they didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his anger.

Therapy hadn’t helped him at all.  His psychologist gave him ways to get over his toxic feelings and anger, but he was too consumed with rage.  Considering it a waste of time, he had stopped attending his sessions a couple weeks ago.

That’s when he decided on his final act, one last thing the world would remember him by.

Digging in the bag beside him, he pulled out a plastic container and opened it.  Inside were three rows of neatly arranged blades, typically used for box cutters but would do for the purpose he intended.  He smirked and found it ironic as he carefully removed the cardboard guarding the sharp edge lest he cut himself, but wasn’t that why he locked himself in the bathroom?

Resting the metal against his wrist, he pressed the blade into his skin, feeling the sting of the cut.  He ran it along his vein, watching blood spring up as the blade glided across his wrist.  He felt the numbness and anger begin to fade, felt alive for the first time in a year.  The pain was somewhat comforting and he found himself conflicted between death claiming him and release from his torment.

The escape from the life that plagued him since the incident won, and he lifted the blade for a moment before slashing the base of his wrist.  He wanted to do it right and guarantee an end, repeating the process several times until blood poured from the severed veins.  Now all he had to do was wait.  Memories ran through his mind as time passed slowly: his grandfather attending most of his practices as a child, winning the Grand Prix Final his debut season, claiming gold at his fourth World Championships hours before being jumped in an alley outside the arena that ruined his career, pity from fellow skaters, the friends that stuck with him, the love of his life that refused to leave.

_I’m sorry, Beka.  I love you so much, but I can’t do this anymore…_

 

* * *

 

Otabek was glad his coach let him leave early that day.  Yuri had been more withdrawn than usual and he wanted to check on his boyfriend.  The year had been one of the worst of his life, hurting terribly for Yuri.  He had asked Yuri time and again if he needed to give up his own career to stick with him, feeling his place was beside him during this terrible transition.  Yuri would explode on him, telling him just because his was over didn’t mean Otabek had to sacrifice his dreams.  Yuri’s indifference the past two weeks when he asked the same question concerned him.  When Yuri told him it didn’t matter, Otabek decided to talk to his coach and arrange some time off.

The apartment was quiet when he entered, Otabek figuring Yuri was taking a nap.  He had the tendency to sleep all day since the incident that changed his life and while Otabek didn’t like it, he knew it kept Yuri’s thoughts from growing darker.

“I’m home!” he bellowed, throwing his keys on the end table.

Otabek frowned and tilted his head in confusion when a piece of paper floated to the floor.  He hadn’t seen it on the table and hadn’t remembered leaving it there.  Bending over to pick it up, his heart began to pound when he saw his name on the folded paper in Yuri’s writing.  Opening it and reading it, numbness and panic overtook him.

 _Beka,_  
_Everything has been a nightmare lately and it keeps getting worse.  I can’t live with this anymore and it’s not fair to you.  I know I’m being selfish, but this is better for me.  I know you’ll move on and find someone more deserving of you than I am._

_I’ll be gone by the time you find me.  I’m ok now._

_I love you.  Please forgive me._

_Yuri_

Otabek began hyperventilating, letting the note slip from his hands.  He darted around the apartment, checking each room for Yuri.  He couldn’t believe Yuri thought this was the answer.  He had talked to him several times in the past year about his suicidal feelings, promising him they would pass and the future held so much for him, he just needed to get through it.  There were days Yuri took it hour by hour, others minute by minute.  Otabek was with him during these dark periods, pledging never to leave him.

But he wasn’t there this time and Yuri was gone.

When he saw the cat scratching at the bathroom door, Otabek was certain Yuri was behind it.  Dashing to it, he jerked the doorknob violently, cursing when he found it locked.  Stepping back, he kicked the door until it flew open, gasping when he saw the scene in front of him.

Yuri was slumped against the tub, unconscious and a pool of blood around him.  Otabek rushed to him and fell to his knees, not aware of the blood seeping into his jeans. The wound on Yuri’s wrist was deep and blood barely trickled from it.  He was deathly pale and Otabek sobbed loudly, dropping his head onto Yuri’s chest.  He was too numb to cry, too numb to feel anything besides the overwhelming grief and sadness that consumed him.  Thinking he didn’t know how he’d go on without the love of his life, Otabek held his breath when he heard a faint sound. 

_Thump…thump…thump…_

It was slow and weak, but Yuri’s body was clinging to life.  Otabek pushed his agony aside and quickly grabbed his phone from the pocket of his jacket.  If Yuri had any chance of surviving this, he had to get help now.  Otabek dialed the emergency number and waited impatiently for the line to be answered.

_“112, what’s your emergency?”_

“My boyfriend tried to kill himself!” Otabek exclaimed, “I need an ambulance here now!  He barely has a heartbeat.”

_“Sir, please calm down.  I need your address.”_

Otabek impatiently answered all the questions the dispatcher had.  She told him what he needed to do to help Yuri until the paramedics arrived, but Otabek found it pointless since Yuri was barely breathing.  He repeatedly asked how long it would take for the ambulance to get there, becoming angry when she said they’d be there soon.

“They need to get here now,” he whined, feeling himself falling apart, “There’s blood everywhere.”

_“Sir, they’ve reached the apartment building.  Is your door unlocked?”_

“No, but I don’t want to leave him,” Otabek stated.

After the dispatcher assured him Yuri would be alright for the few seconds it took, Otabek ran to the door and unlocked it.  He threw the door open before returning to the bathroom, falling to the floor once again and holding Yuri against him.  He had never been so afraid in his life, never been more uncertain about what the future held.  Otabek was known as one that couldn’t be shaken and rolled with the punches.

This tore him apart and he didn’t know what to do.

Once the paramedics arrived, Otabek stepped back and watched them work.  They didn’t say much, but Otabek knew Yuri was close to death.  He thanked every power in the universe that he came home early and found him before Yuri was gone forever, begging them for the strength to see this through and praying with every fiber of his soul Yuri would survive.  They loaded him onto a stretcher and quickly told Otabek which hospital they were taking him to before rushing out of the apartment. 

Otabek needed to fall apart first.

Collapsing onto the floor, Otabek pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed with everything he had.  He hurt that he couldn’t help Yuri, that he didn’t see his silent pleas for help.  It killed him he wasn’t there when Yuri needed him most.  It destroyed him he couldn’t take the pain from Yuri.

It devastated him that Yuri might be gone forever.

Wiping the tears from his eyes and taking a deep breath, Otabek fought his emotions and stood up.  He needed to get to the hospital and find out what could be done to help Yuri.  He had to make sure he would survive.  He needed to be reassured Yuri wasn’t going anywhere and would remain with him.

“God damn it, Yura.  You better not leave me.  I can’t do this without you,” Otabek whispered, not bothering to change his bloody clothing before exiting the apartment.


	2. This Isn't Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri is crushed when he learns his plan didn't work, but never considered how his actions would affect others.
> 
>    
>  _I did it. It’s over. This is the afterlife and all my pain will be gone._
> 
> But it wasn’t.
> 
> His body ached and he felt weak, a piercing pain running through his arm. Troubled thoughts hit him full force, the panic and depression of the past year coming back with a vengeance. He was convinced that ending his life would solve all his problems and take the pain away, but it was the same as it was while living. 
> 
>  
> 
> _Is this punishment for killing myself? Some sick joke?_
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was finally able to feel this chapter after a few days and this is what came out of it. I really don't want to say much in these notes right now because there really aren't words, but I hope each of you take something away from this chapter, especially the end scene.
> 
> All I ask is if you promise to be there for someone going through a rough patch, do it. Don't bail when things get tough. Just listen. That's all you need to do.
> 
> Again, if you aren't comfortable with the topic of suicide please don't read this.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

_I did it.  It’s over.  This is the afterlife and all my pain will be gone._

But it wasn’t.

His body ached and he felt weak, a piercing pain running through his arm.  Troubled thoughts hit him full force, the panic and depression of the past year coming back with a vengeance.  He was convinced that ending his life would solve all his problems and take the pain away, but it was the same as it was while living. 

_Is this punishment for killing myself?  Some sick joke?_

He opened his eyes slightly and flinched from the bright light bathing his surroundings.  Beeping of machines and soft conversation in the distance drew his attention, the smell of sterility filling the air.  He shifted positions slightly, whimpering when shakiness and nausea coursed through him.  When he heard metallic scraping and a hand took his, his very being plummeted and sheer desperation returned.

_No…_

“Yura, I’m here,” he heard a gentle voice speak, “We’re going to get you help.  It’s going to take time, but I’m with you every step of the way.”

“No,” Yuri moaned, “I’m not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be gone, I have to go.”

“No, sweetheart,” Otabek assured him, brushing pale golden locks from Yuri’s forehead, “You’re right where you’re supposed to be.  I’m just glad I came home early enough to help you.”

“No…” he whined, feeling tears fill his eyes.

“We’ll get you the help you need.  I can promise you that,” Otabek stated.

“I don’t want help.  I want to be dead,” Yuri wailed, “Why did you stop me?  Why didn’t you let me die?”

“I love you so much,” Otabek confessed, “This feeling won’t last forever, Yura.  Let me help you.”

“No!” he shrieked, “I don’t want to be here anymore!  Why didn’t you let me die?”

Yuri’s screams brought several nurses running into the room.  When they reached the bed, they fought to calm him.  Finding Yuri in hysterics that they were unable to appease, he was restrained and the doctor called to the room.  When he assessed Yuri, the doctor ordered a sedative to calm him. 

Once Yuri was given the medication, Otabek whispered words of comfort to him, his heart breaking as Yuri cried himself to sleep.  He hated seeing him like this and wanted to take his pain away.  The frustration building within him was almost too much to bear, and while he felt like he was going to combust, he had to be strong for Yuri.

“Sir?”

Otabek looked up as a nurse entered the room.  She explained the psychologist wanted to speak with him, promising she’d stay with Yuri while he was in the hallway.  Thanking her, he rose from the chair and walked into the hall.  The man wanted to examine Yuri’s mental stability when he woke, but his irrational explosion delayed the session.

“Mr. Altin,” the psychologist said, holding out a hand in introduction, “I’m Dr. Lundstedt.”

“Please, it’s Otabek,” he replied, shaking the doctor’s hand.

“Alright, Otabek,” Dr. Lundstedt said before flipping through the chart he held, “I haven’t had a chance to chat with Yuri, but I’ve gone over what you’ve told the medical team along with his injuries.  I want to admit him to the hospital.”

“I don’t know how he’s going to react to that,” Otabek confessed, “He doesn’t have high regard for therapy.”

“Legally, I can keep him for three days.  Hopefully, we can persuade him to remain for longer.  He’s in the highest classification of risk groups,” he explained, “Yuri’s chances of attempting suicide are extremely high if he doesn’t complete treatment.  My concern is he’ll try something more definitive next time.”

“What do you mean?” Otabek asked, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Typically when someone slits their wrists it’s a cry for help,” he stated, “I don’t think this is Yuri’s case.  His wounds were deep and appeared very determined.”

“Can I commit him?” Otabek asked.

“If you have a power of attorney regarding his decisions, you can.”

Otabek’s shoulders slumped and he stared at the floor, his frustration so acute his chest hurt.  He wanted Yuri to get the treatment he needed, wanted him to realize life would change for the better eventually.  But Yuri’s frame of mind was destitute at this point and Otabek feared what the future held for him.

“What can I do?” Otabek finally asked.

“Be there for him,” he stated, “Most patients get pretty ugly their first week, so prepare yourself for that.  The psychiatrist will meet with him to find the right medication for him.  I think with the combination of medication, counseling, and support, he’ll start to recover.”

Otabek listened to the doctor for several minutes as he went over the routine Yuri would follow while committed.  Scanning the pamphlets he was given, Otabek nodded and asked for clarification on what he didn’t understand.  Once the consultation was complete, the doctor handed Otabek the papers for Yuri’s hospitalization along with his card, reminding him not to hesitate to call if he had further questions.

Returning to the room, Otabek collapsed into a chair near the bed, resting his head on the cold metal of the railing.  His mind was swimming with everything he had to do before Yuri was released, constant worry filling him as he thought about Yuri’s mental state.  He didn’t know how much time had passed and only looked up when a nurse entered the room. 

“Good,” she said, “He’s still asleep.  We’re taking him upstairs. I’ll give you a few minutes to say goodbye.”

“I can’t go with him?” Otabek inquired.

“I’m sorry,” she replied, giving him a sad smile, “Visitors are only allowed at certain times.  I’ll get the schedule for you.”

Otabek thanked her and waited until she left the room before looking at Yuri.  He always thought Yuri seemed so peaceful when he slept, even more so since the night he was beaten after Worlds.  Otabek would lay awake for hours, merely watching the angelic expression on Yuri’s face while he slept.  Now he was studying and memorizing every inch, terrified it would be snatched from him soon.

“Yura,” he whispered, leaning over the bed and kissing his forehead, “I’m here for you.  I love you so damn much.  You’re probably going to be pissed at me, but I’m alright with that.  We’ll get through this. I promise.”

Otabek turned his head when he heard the door open, the nurse entering the room with an orderly.  Reaching for Yuri’s hand, he lifted it to his lips and kissed the top softly.  He stepped back so the orderly could prepare the bed for transport, Otabek holding Yuri’s hand until the last possible moment. 

Once Yuri was out of view, Otabek shoved his hands in his pockets, hunched his shoulders and walked down the hallway in a daze.  This wasn’t how he anticipated spending his time away from the rink.  He wanted to bathe Yuri with love, try his best to bring back the twinkle in the emerald eyes he loved so much. 

But this was worse than any nightmare he could conjure, and Otabek hoped they would both be strong enough to survive.

 

* * *

 

“Fuck.”

Otabek rolled over and sighed, running his hands over his face.  He was exhausted from going through the apartment he shared with Yuri for safety hazards.  It had taken him a full day to get everything that might prove harmful for Yuri, but Otabek knew it was worth it.  He’d called the psychiatric unit during free time and his heart sunk each time Yuri refused to speak to him, but he had to grin and bear it, reminding himself that Yuri getting better was more important than his sadness.

It had been three days since Yuri was committed, Otabek missing him terribly.  It was too quiet in the apartment, time dragging by slowly, the nights the worst as he laid in the empty bed.  Knowing it was only temporary, Otabek trudged through each day the best he could.  He had grown so frustrated that afternoon he decided to take a nap.

Lifting his phone off the nightstand, Otabek frowned when an unknown number displayed on the screen.  He hated answering the phone but considering it might be the hospital, he had been accepting each call he received.

“Hello?” he asked, clearing his throat.

 _“May I speak to Otabek Altin?”_ a woman asked.

“This is he.”

 _“Hi.  My name is Rachel and I’m with Aurora Mental Health. Dr. Lundstedt said you wanted to be made aware if there was any change in Yuri’s treatment,”_ she explained.

“Yes,” Otabek said, sitting up suddenly and sliding his legs off the bed.

_“I wanted to let you know he signed out AMA.”_

“AMA?” he asked, “What does that mean?”

_“He checked himself out against medical advice.”_

“What?” Otabek asked.

His heart began to race and a thin sheen of sweat broke out over his body.  He knew this was a possibility, but didn’t think Yuri would do it the first moment it became available.  He threw the phone onto the mattress, darting around the apartment to gather a few things before he left. 

He was in a race against time and he refused to be late again.

 

* * *

 

“Yuri!”

Otabek jumped out of the car as soon as he put the vehicle in park.  When he pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, his eyes fell on the slender figure he’d recognize anywhere.  Yuri was standing on the sidewalk along one of the busiest roads in town, staring into nothingness. 

“Yuri!” Otabek shouted as he ran toward him.

The blank expression on Yuri’s face turned into one of pure rage when he turned around, facing Otabek.  The anger he had felt many days boiled to the surface.  He didn’t want to be alive and the one he thought he knew the best, the one he thought loved him without a doubt had thwarted his attempt at ending his misery.

“What do you want?” he sneered.

“The hospital called,” Otabek replied, “They said you checked out.  Sweetheart, I don’t think that’s—”

“That’s just it!” Yuri screamed, “You don’t think!  Did you even think about what I wanted?  Do you think I like being like this?”

“No, Yura. I know you don’t,” he said, “How about we go back inside?  They can help you.”

“Don’t you get it?” Yuri yelled, “No one can help me!  I’m done.”

“Yura!” Otabek shouted, reaching out when Yuri took a step back toward the road.

“What are you going to do?” he snarled, “Kill me?  You’d be doing me a favor.”

“Will you just fucking listen to me?” Otabek roared, his frustration and desperation overcoming him, “I know you hurt, Yura.  I can’t even imagine how much nor will I try, but I love you.  So many people love and care for you.  I know you aren’t thinking right and have a hard time going through what’s happening, but you’re hurting everyone around you.  When I told Viktor and Yuuri what happened, I wish you would have seen them.  I have never seen Viktor cry, Yura.  Have you?  He did that night.  Yuuri thought it was his fault because he didn’t see it coming.  He cares so much about you, Yura.  They blame themselves because they didn’t help you when you needed it most.”

“They’ll get over it,” he grumbled.

“No, Yura, they won’t,” Otabek argued, “You mean so much to them.  They’ll be devastated if they lose you.  They aren’t the only ones.”

“No one will miss me,” Yuri said, “I’m nothing now.”

“God damn it, Yura!” he yelled, closing the gap between them and grasping Yuri’s upper arms, “You’re everything to me.  If you die on me, I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want a life without you.”

Yuri stared at Otabek when he released his arms and fell to the ground in tears.  He hadn’t considered the feelings of those around him since he was engrossed in his own torment.  He tried to fight the insistent voice in his head telling him to walk into traffic, reminding him his pain would be forever gone.  Keeping his gaze focused on Otabek, Yuri knelt on the ground and placed his hand on Otabek’s shoulder.

“I don’t have the strength to keep doing this,” Yuri whispered before tears flooded his eyes, streaming down his cheeks.

“Take mine,” Otabek offered, “I’ll do everything in my power to help you.  I love you too much to give up on you.  I’ll be there every step of the way.  I promise, just please don’t give up.  We have our best days ahead of us.  I want you to see them with me.”

“I don’t want to hurt like this anymore,” he cried, sobs finally consuming him.

Otabek gathered Yuri in his arms and held him, rocking him soothingly as he cried.  While he hated exploding on Yuri, Otabek had to convey how much he hurt at the thought of losing him.  He wanted to keep the reactions of their friends from Yuri until he recovered, but the idea of Yuri stepping into traffic pushed all rationality from him.

“It’s going to take time, sweetheart,” Otabek said, peppering kisses on Yuri’s face between words, “and it’s going to keep hurting until you get all the terrible thoughts in the open.  If you need me every second of the day, I’m there.”

“But this season…”

“Fuck the season, Yura,” Otabek growled, “You are so much more important.  Will you try?  Are you willing to go back and stay as long as they recommend?”

“You’ll visit me?” Yuri asked in a whisper.

“At least three times a day,” he said, grinning when a sliver of a smile he hadn’t seen in over a year grace Yuri’s lips, “but I’m serious.  I’ll visit as much as I can.  If you need me there in therapy, I’ll be there.  If I’m not doing something right, tell me what I need to do.  If you think I’m not listening, tell me how to make it better.  This isn’t all on you, Yura.  If you’re going to get better, it’s going to be everyone that loves you helping you too.  That’s what support is about.”

“Please don’t change your mind,” Yuri begged.

“I haven’t left yet, have I?” Otabek reminded him, waiting for him to nod, “I’m in this forever, Yura.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Yuri pondered Otabek’s words and felt the war waging within him.  The impulses he wanted to give into were lethal and he knew it, but he was tired of fighting. Going back to the hospital would mean more pain and anger, but he knew if he had the support of those important to him he might possibly stand a chance.

“Ok,” Yuri said, letting Otabek help him to his feet.

“Come on,” Otabek said, leading him back to the building, “It’s not going to be easy and I don’t understand all of it, but I’m so damn proud of you.”


	3. Reaching For The Life Within Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Close to six weeks after his suicide attempt, Yuri begins to find clarity with the help of others.
> 
> “Figures he couldn’t handle it,” he muttered, crossing his arms and looking away.
> 
> “It has nothing to do with being able to handle—” Viktor said before being interrupted.
> 
> “Yeah, it does!” Yuri shouted, ignoring the stares of those around him, “He said he’d always be there while I’m going through this. Do you seem him anywhere? I sure as hell don’t!”
> 
> “Yuri—”
> 
> “Don’t you Yuri me! Ever since all this shit went down, everyone is leaving. I knew it would only be a matter of time before he left too,” he shouted, “He should have let me die.”
> 
> “Are you done yet?” Viktor asked, locking his eyes with Yuri’s glare, “Otabek isn’t here because I told him he needed a break. Can you believe we actually fought?”
> 
> “What?” he asked, anger shifting to uncertainty.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was finally able to write again, and while this chapter is short, it has a lot of impact and direction of where the story is going. This chapter has the beginnings of hope to it, but please realize this isn't the happily ever after. Life and recovery don't work that way. There will be ups and downs just like real life does. The readers that have been following me for a while know how much I try to stick with reality as much as possible.
> 
> Most of you know I usually do a ton of research when writing about topics like this, but not with this one. I'm basing it on past experience and pure feeling. This may sound mean, but if you don't agree with something or don't think it's right, that's your prerogative. There is no cookie cutter treatment plan for mental illness. 
> 
> Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

“How are you doing today, Yuri?”

“Fucking shitty.”

Otabek sighed and tried to take Yuri’s hand, frowning sadly when it was yanked away.  It had been a week since Yuri decided to return to the hospital and complete his treatment.  His physical wounds were starting to heal, but his mental health would take far longer. 

Each day that Otabek visited was the same.  Yuri was angry and distant, sometimes growling harsh words at him, others yelling how much he hated him and why didn’t he let him die.  Otabek knew it was fear and hopelessness talking, but it hurt him tremendously when he heard the words spewed at him.  The therapist he had a support meeting with assured him Yuri’s behavior was normal and though it made him wonder if they’d ever get through it, Yuri would improve with time.  Otabek promised to be strong for Yuri and thanked the woman for her support before scheduling another appointment.

“I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, Yura,” he said quietly.

“Every day since Worlds last year has been bad. Don’t you realize that?” Yuri asked, his voice growing louder, “Of course not. You don’t know what I’m going through. You never will.  I don’t want to see you anymore today.”

“Alright,” he said, “See you tomorrow.  I love you.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Otabek fought tears as he watched Yuri retreat before finally turning the corner and disappearing.  Staring at the tabletop, he tried to remember this was typical behavior and Yuri would get better.  He promised he’d have the strength and be Yuri’s beacon, but it was so difficult when he acted like this.  The rejection tore at Otabek’s soul, it crushed his spirit that Yuri was so despondent.

“Another rough visit?”

Otabek looked up and saw one of the nurses he’d chatted with a few times.  She proved to be an excellent sounding board and Otabek felt comfortable venting to her.  It didn’t feel right to burden Viktor or Yuuri with his problems as they felt the same as him, but holding his feelings inside was beginning to destroy him.  The apartment was so empty, their bed even emptier.  Just when he thought he’d go mad by the sadness and worry filling him, Otabek opened up to the woman.

“Yeah,” he said.

“It’ll get better, Otabek.  I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but it will,” she stated.

“So everyone keeps saying.”

“They’re still working his meds out.  They’re not a cure-all, but they’ll help stabilize his mood,” she informed him.

“I hope so,” he said, rising from the chair.

“It’s going to take time and it won’t be the same as it was before, but you’ll get your Yuri back,” the nurse said, giving him a soft smile before patting his shoulder, “Go on and get out of here.  Do something for you.”

“Yeah.”

Nodding once at the woman, Otabek remembered the offer given to him weeks ago, finally deciding he needed it before he broke completely.

 

* * *

 

“How is he?” Viktor asked.

“Same.  He still blames me for saving him.  He’s angry.  At least he didn’t tell me he hates me today,” Otabek relayed.

“There’s a plus,” Viktor said, sitting on the couch next to him, “Do you know how long he might be in the hospital?”

“Not yet.  He’s not doing as well as they hoped, so maybe a couple months.”

“That has to be hard,” Yuuri said quietly, taking the chair next to the couch, “How are you doing, Otabek?  We’ve been really worried about you.”

“I’m here,” Otabek confessed, “I’ll be ok.”

“No offense, but you look like shit, and I bet the inside isn’t any better,” Viktor said, smiling sadly, “Why don’t you stay here for a while?”

“I can’t, Viktor.  I’d be intruding and I’m not exactly the best of company right now,” Otabek protested.

“Nonsense.  I wouldn’t offer if I thought you’d be in the way and I am not expecting you to be the perfect guest.  All you have to do is say yes,” Viktor explained.

Otabek looked at the plush carpet in front of him and contemplated Viktor’s suggestion.  He’d felt incredibly alone since Yuri was committed, but Yuri was the only one he wanted.  Life had been so frustrating the past few weeks and Otabek didn’t know how he was going to survive them.  When he finally came to a decision, he lifted his head and looked at Viktor.

“As long as I won’t be a burden, I’ll stay,” Otabek said.

“You’re never a burden,” Yuuri said, resting a hand on Otabek’s knee and smiling, “Since you’re the guest, you get to choose what’s for dinner.”

“I’m not really hungry,” he mumbled.

“And this is why you’re staying here,” Viktor stated, “Let us help you, Otabek.  You’re family.”

Not able to speak, Otabek simply nodded before a tear slipped down his cheek.

 

* * *

 

“Where’s Otabek?”

“At mine and Yuuri’s apartment,” Viktor answered, “He’s been staying with us lately.”

Yuri narrowed his eyes as he stared at Viktor, mulling over the words he had just heard.  Otabek hadn’t told him anything about staying with Viktor and Yuuri, and it bothered him he kept it from him.  The first counseling session they had together they promised to have open communication, but Otabek had already violated that principle.  It angered Yuri, it saddened him that Otabek wasn’t honest with him.

“Figures he couldn’t handle it,” he muttered, crossing his arms and looking away.

“It has nothing to do with being able to handle—” Viktor said before being interrupted.

“Yeah, it does!” Yuri shouted, ignoring the stares of those around him, “He said he’d always be there while I’m going through this.  Do you see him anywhere?  I sure as hell don’t!”

“Yuri—”

“Don’t you Yuri me!  Ever since all this shit went down, everyone is leaving.  I knew it would only be a matter of time before he left too,” he shouted, “He should have let me die.”

“Are you done yet?” Viktor asked, locking his eyes with Yuri’s glare, “Otabek isn’t here because I told him he needed a break.  Can you believe we actually fought?”

“What?” he asked, anger shifting to uncertainty.

“He’s close to dropping, Yuri.  He’s trying to take care of you and everything else life is throwing at him. He’s not taking care of himself,” Viktor admitted, “I’ve never seen someone love another as much as he does you, Yuri.  This isn’t going to be nice, but cut him some slack.  I know this is a fucked up mess, but you aren’t the only one suffering.”

Yuri flinched after Viktor finished speaking.  He hadn’t considered the repercussions of his suicide attempt on those around him, especially Otabek.  It had been almost five weeks since he had initially been admitted to the psychiatric wing of the hospital and a lot had changed for the better.  He was still bitter about the hand life dealt him, but his stay was beginning to help.  His medication had been tweaked to a level it was finally improving his mood and his anger was starting to subside.  While group therapy proved to be a challenge, his individual sessions were giving him the skills he needed to cope with a life he had never anticipated. 

But Otabek was still bearing the brunt of the rage Yuri held onto.

He knew it was unfair of him, but each time Yuri saw Otabek in the visitation room, he felt the anger bubble up within him. He was still caught between the wish for death and the struggle to stay alive, but his mind flew back to the thought of Otabek saving him and it angered him.  He tried to fight his irritability towards Otabek and always felt horrible after he left, but Yuri didn’t know how to stop it.

“I didn’t know it was that bad,” Yuri said quietly.

“It is,” Viktor stated, “Give him a break, Yuri.  He’s trying so hard to make sure you’re alright, but he’s cracking.”

Leaning over the table and resting his head on the surface, he heard Viktor babble about everything that was going on in his friends’ lives, but he wasn’t listening.  His thoughts were consumed by Otabek and how terribly he treated him.  He realized Otabek was only trying to help him find stability and happiness in his life, and Yuri hadn’t considered his.  In moments of brief clarity, Yuri had mentioned this to his therapist and was told it was normal.  Hearing the words echoing in his mind didn’t make him feel better.  Otabek was stubborn and would never admit he needed help unless the situation was dire.  He pondered broken thoughts as Viktor spoke, sitting up suddenly when they finally came together.

“Please tell Otabek I want him here for counseling tomorrow,” he blurted.

“As long as it’s not a screaming match,” Viktor stated.

“It won’t be.  I think I have a vague idea how to start making this better, but I need help with it,” Yuri explained.

“Alright then.  I’ll tell him.”

Visitation ended minutes later, Yuri thanking Viktor for visiting.  Once the patients were ushered to the hallway leading to their rooms, Yuri felt the traces of a smile upon his lips as he thought about the next day.

 

* * *

 

“I’m so glad you’re here, Otabek.  Yuri was very adamant about this being a joint session.  Before we start, I’d like to lay down a few rules.”

Otabek nodded as he listened to the woman go over what she expected for the appointment.  When Viktor told him Yuri wanted him to be there for counseling the next day, Otabek was hesitant.  The first one they had together hadn’t gone well, and while he promised to be there every step of the way for Yuri, he didn’t know if he’d be strong enough to handle this terrible weight for both of them.  He was wearing out and knew he couldn’t hold on much longer.  Viktor relayed the visit he had with Yuri to Otabek, admitting he felt terrible about how he acted with Yuri but he needed to hear it.  Otabek didn’t want Yuri worrying about him while he was working on getting better, but Viktor did the impossible for him.  He just hoped the session proved worthwhile.

“Do both of you agree?” she asked, watching them nod, “Alright then.  Yuri, I think you wanted to go first.”

“Yeah,” Yuri said, turning to look at Otabek, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, Yura,” he said.

“No, it’s not.  I’ve been horrible to you.  You’re only trying to help me and I’ve been the worst boyfriend, the worst person toward you.  Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t left already,” Yuri admitted.

“I told you I’m here for you,” Otabek declared, “I don’t break my promises.”

“You don’t get it, Beka,” he said, feeling anxiety rise to the surface, “I’ve been trapped in my thoughts and anger for over a year now.  My life has always been skating, and now it’s gone. I’ll never get it back.  Most I had in my life are gone now, but the ones I have left are the ones I’ve always held dear.  It still hurts though.  Our life still revolves around skating and I feel left out.  I don’t have anything to contribute anymore.  I feel lost, Beka.”

“I told you I’d quit if you want me to.  The offer still stands.”

“No, Beka.  That’s not what I mean.  It’s enough that one of us is miserable,” Yuri argued, “I need meaning in my life again.  I need a purpose.  I want to be able to look forward to something and not have everything riding on you. Your life can’t be dedicated to making me better.  I need to find something else.”

“Do you have an idea of what you want?” Otabek asked.

“Not yet, but I really want you there with me.  I don’t know how close to me I’m going to get, but I’m going to try my hardest.  I want to prove to you that I’m worthy of you,” Yuri professed.

“Yura, you already are, but you have to do this for you.  Live for you.  Everything else will fall into place.”

The session continued close to an hour, Yuri feeling relieved and hopeful for the first time in a year by the time it ended.  They revealed a lot of what they felt leading up to Yuri’s attempted suicide and he realized he wasn’t the only one that was hurting.  He wasn’t the only one feeling lost or thought he couldn’t make a difference in life any longer.  Knowing Otabek shared the same desperation he did helped put things in perspective.  He had a long way to go before he could be considered stable, but Yuri thought this was a perfect starting point.

“Do either of you have anything else to say before we close for the day?” the therapist asked.

“Not that I can think of,” Otabek said.

“I have one more thing,” Yuri said, smiling weakly at Otabek when he turned his head, “I love you.”

Otabek’s eyes widened when he heard Yuri’s declaration.  It had been over two months since Yuri had spoken those words and it touched every fiber of his being.  He didn’t realize how much he missed them until now.  Trying to contain the tears that threatened to flow from his eyes, Otabek sobbed after Yuri’s next action.

Yuri rose from his chair, took several steps before standing in front of Otabek.  Lifting Otabek’s head with two fingers under his chin, Yuri leaned down and captured his lips in a soft, sweet kiss that conveyed the deepest apology he could give.  After whispering a loving goodbye, Yuri pressed his lips against Otabek’s forehead before leaving the room.


	4. Wound Up Talking to Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's healing process isn't going as he had hoped once released from the hospital.
> 
>  
> 
> His therapist reminded him during his eight-week stay at the hospital that once he was discharged, his life would be different when he returned home. He wouldn’t have the safe confines of the hospital nor would he have a medically trained support team at his disposal. Yuri absorbed her words and came up with a safety plan for when he was released. He developed techniques to help him during difficult times and made a list of people he could contact when negative thoughts bombarded him.
> 
> Now was one of those times and he was talking to himself.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a small snippet of a dark part of depression. Many times it's a minute-by-minute battle and it sucks. This is what Yuri is doing in this chapter. It's a short chapter and this features him crying out for help before he loses himself.
> 
> **_***TRIGGER WARNING***_ **
> 
> If you aren't comfortable with self-harm, especially cutting, don't read this chapter. It's not an easy topic to confront if it's something one has battled in the past. Again, I want every reader to be safe and never be blindsided by something I write.
> 
> Only note I can think of is about self-harm itself. People who self-harm are more likely to attempt suicide than those that don't. I don't have exact statistics, but there have been studies about desensitization, often times leading to unintentional suicide. [Here](https://www.suicideinfo.ca/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Self-Harm-Toolkit.pdf) is one source I found easy to understand and helpful as well. Might help someone having a tough time right now as well.
> 
> The song that helped me with this chapter is [Talking To Myself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCUcT1mPh1s) by Watsky. This is the most profound song I've **EVER** heard in regards to how I've felt for so long. I really hope you'll listen to it. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

“I don’t know if I can keep this up.”

Yuri sat on the floor, his knees pressed to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs while he rocked gently.  It was just shy of four months from the last time he found himself on the cold tile of the bathroom floor.  He was determined to end his life then and while things had improved, so many had stayed the same.

“This isn’t like last time.  I don’t want to die, just want the pain to go away for a little while,” Yuri whispered to himself.

_Deep breaths, Yuri.  That’s what your therapist recommended._

“She’s not here, is she?” he growled into the empty room.

 _Throw the box away._  

“I can’t.”

_It’s nothing but a temptation.  What happens when I have a really bad day?  What if I want to die again?_

“I want to die now, but I promised,” Yuri said.

His therapist reminded him during his eight-week stay at the hospital that once he was discharged, his life would be different when he returned home.  He wouldn’t have the safe confines of the hospital nor would he have a medically trained support team at his disposal.  Yuri absorbed her words and came up with a safety plan for when he was released.  He developed techniques to help him during difficult times and made a list of people he could contact when negative thoughts bombarded him.

Now was one of those times and he was talking to himself.

Viktor and Yuuri were out of the country for Four Continents.  He and Otabek had visited Yuuri the week before they were scheduled to leave and Yuri was happy to be included in that world again.  He had pushed so much of his former life away and didn’t realize how much he missed it.  While he wasn’t able to step into a rink yet, talking to Yuuri about his programs for that season lifted his spirits.

The bubble of happiness lasted for two days before it burst unexpectedly, leaving Yuri falling into the darkness of depression.  He grew quiet and distant, choosing to stare out the kitchen window of the apartment or sleeping most of the day.  Otabek noticed his shift in mood and stayed close to his side.  Yuri knew he was looking for subtle hints that he was going to harm himself.  After reassuring Otabek he would let him know if he had suicidal thoughts again, Yuri began putting the pieces of his mask together.

It took more energy than before and Yuri didn’t know how long he could keep up his charade.  He went about his new routine though it drove him out of his mind.  He didn’t feel like he was making any progress in therapy no matter how hard he tried.  His psychologist seemed to pick up on his change, but Yuri insisted he was alright.  It left him wondering how much longer he’d be able to lie to her.

_Do you think you can keep your promise when you’re consumed with depression?_

“That’s why I need the pain.  If I can let a little out, I can cope easier.”

_This isn’t the way and you know it, idiot._

“What am I supposed to do?” Yuri screamed, lifting his head to stare at the ceiling, “I have nothing!  All that’s left is pain.”

_That’s a lie and you know it.  So many people are supportive and loving.  You know it._

“Everyone’s too busy.  Why should they stop their lives for me?”

Yuri continued to look at the small package he swiped from the grocery store a couple weeks ago.  He hated that he was reduced to shoplifting, but he didn’t want to carelessly leave the receipt laying around for Otabek to find.  Searching for the perfect hiding place took hours.  Yuri was paranoid about what Otabek’s reaction would be if he found them, wondering how disappointed or upset he’d be with him. 

The first week out of the hospital was trying, but he was bolstered by the presence and love of his support system.  Otabek waited on him hand and foot, to the point Yuri asked him for room to breathe.  Viktor took on the role of a parental figure, chauffeuring him to counseling and doctor’s appointments.  There were a few times Viktor pulled Yuri aside to remind him to take his medicine or urge him to tell Otabek how much he appreciated him.  Yuuri had become his unbiased sounding board.  Yuri went to him with his concerns of relying on Otabek too much or feelings he didn’t want to worry his boyfriend with.  He was often left with the advice of bringing the conversation up with Otabek, Yuuri suggesting he was the one that needed to know what was going on in Yuri’s mind the most.

But this?  He couldn’t tell anyone.

As he stared at the small box of blades, Yuri thought about how saddened everyone would be with him.  He had received so many compliments on how much he had improved and good things were in his future. Would they still think that if they knew he was contemplating on easing his pain? 

He had finally relented to his psychologist’s nagging to attend group sessions while he was committed.  They annoyed him to no end at first, but Yuri found them helpful.  He had a hard time relating to most of the other patients, but he could relate to their mental anguish.  One young woman stood out among all the others.  She relayed this was her eighth suicide attempt in her short nineteen years and she was growing tired.  Yuri had chatted with her during their free time in the afternoon and listened intently when she talked about her life.  Her hands and wrists were littered with scars and Yuri wanted to ask her about them.  When she noticed his eyes drifting to her hands, she confessed she had an addiction to self-harm.

At the time he had been listening to a new friend talk about things that bothered her.  Little did he know it would be an educational lesson as well.

_You don’t want to do this.  It’ll pass, you know it will._

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Yuri growled, opening the box and lifting a blade from the container.

_It always does.  How many times have we been here the past couple weeks?  How many times have we been here today alone?_

“Shut the fuck up.”

Yuri fought the temptation to remove the paperboard guard, choosing to turn the blade in his hand with his fingers.  He had never cut himself save for his suicide attempt.  The release from the pain felt good, but he had to listen to his inner voice.  What if the pain didn’t go away?  What if he kept at it until he decided he didn’t want to do this anymore?  Would it turn into another attempt?  What if he succeeded this time?

“God, why do I keep doing this?” Yuri asked, resting his forehead on his knees, “Why won’t this go away?”

_You need help.  We need help._

Yuri nodded when he heard his own voice echo in his head.  He knew he wouldn’t improve on his own and he hated to admit he had taken two steps back.  He felt like a failure.  Yuri wasn’t one used to losing, but that’s all he did in his new life.  He was becoming impatient and tried to remind himself that it would take time to find a new purpose, he just didn’t know how long he could hold on.

_“Yura! I’m home!”_

_Tell Beka.  He needs to know._

Brushing the tears from his eyes with a hand, Yuri dropped the blade into the container and rose from the floor.  He unlocked the door and made his way to the living room, feeling a sad smile form when he saw Otabek near the door.  He had been nothing but supportive while Yuri was healing.  Yuri knew that when he told Otabek the thought he’d been toying with lately, he’d be devastated.

“Hey,” Otabek said, walking over and kissing Yuri’s cheek lightly, “How was your day?”

“I need to talk to you,” he said, averting his eyes to the floor.

“Ok,” Otabek said, leading him to the couch, “I’m all ears.”

Yuri grabbed Otabek’s hand and turned it up before placing the small plastic box in his palm.  He watched Otabek look at the container and his shoulders slumped when he realized what it was.  When Otabek finally lifted his head and held Yuri’s gaze, Yuri thought his heart was going to break when he saw the anguish etched on Otabek’s face. 

“Yura, I thought you said—” Otabek began, stopping when Yuri pressed a finger to his lips.

“I don’t have a plan to kill myself,” he stated, “I promise, but this pain is getting to be too much to bear.  The old feelings are returning and I don’t like it.  It scares me.  I want the anxiety and frustration to leave.  When I tried to kill myself, I remember the pain disappearing with that first cut.  I want to feel that again. Not the cut, but the quiet and calm in my mind.”

“Let me help you,” Otabek begged.

“That’s why I’m telling you.  I’ve been staring at these damn blades for the past two weeks.  It’s getting harder to resist.”

“Two weeks?” Otabek asked, running a hand over his face.

“Yeah,” Yuri stated.

“Where did you find them?”

“Swiped them last time we went to the store,” he admitted.

“Oh Yura,” Otabek said.

“I’m sorry, Beka.  I know you’re probably really disappointed in me.  I just don’t know what to do right now.  Counseling isn’t helping.  The medicine isn’t helping.  I don’t know what to do.”

“It takes time, Sweetheart.  They just upped your meds last week.  It’s going to take time,” Otabek declared, “Do you remember what we have to do now?”

Yuri thought about his treatment plan and the promises he made.  He, Otabek and his psychologist sat down a couple days before he was released and came up with realistic goals and a safety net for Yuri to lean on.  He was always asked when he had an appointment if he had thoughts of self-harm and while he generally didn’t, the past few times he had been lying.  Yuri hated his life was going to be in disarray once more, but it was necessary if he was going to get better.

“Crisis center.”

“Yep.  Stay there while I call your psychologist,” Otabek instructed.

Yuri nodded and listened to Otabek speak.  He knew he couldn’t leave Otabek’s sight while he was in crisis, no matter how much his mind told him to flee.  His entirety was in turmoil, but he had to do what was right.  It was hard as hell thinking about getting through the abyss he found himself in, but he knew he could do it.  He had a great support system that would be there each step he took.  They’d hold him up when he fell or would be there to listen when he needed to vent.  Most importantly he had their love.

“She wants you to be assessed and suggested you pack a bag,” Otabek said after he ended the call.

“I’m going back in?” Yuri asked, his heart thumping as he remembered his last hospitalization.

“She mentioned a three or four-day stay, but I don’t know, Yura,” he professed.

Yuri nodded and turned to walk to the bedroom, feeling Otabek’s presence behind him.  He felt physically sick that he was in the same predicament again.  A reassuring thought began to float through his mind, the thought that he wasn’t alone during his battle.  He had a plan, he had help, he had love.

“Beka?” he asked, pivoting to face him.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry,” Yuri confessed.

“Yura, don’t apologize.  I’m sorry I didn’t see this and you were driven to this.”

“I was doing so well,” he said.

“Remember Ann telling you how recovery goes?” Otabek asked, smiling softly when Yuri shook his head, “One step forward, two steps back.  You just have to keep trying, and you are.  Do you know how proud I am that you continue to fight?  That takes so much strength.”

“I don’t feel strong at all.”

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you, Yura.  I always will be,” Otabek said, pulling Yuri into his arms and embracing him tightly.

“Thanks, Beka,” he said.

 

 


	5. Everything's a Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri suffers a setback that changes his perspective of his situation.
> 
> “What do you mean ‘lift my mood?’” Yuri asked, his tone belligerent.  
> “I’m not trying to argue, Yura,” Otabek said, trying to choose his words carefully, “I love you, but I think it would be a good thing to have others help you also.”  
> “You mean like a break?” he asked.  
> “Yeah, a break,” Otabek echoed, smiling softly.  
> “I fucking knew it,” Yuri seethed, “You’re bailing. You can’t handle it.”  
> “Yuri—”  
> His words were interrupted by the slamming of the bedroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second part of my Christmas gift to you guys. This fic really isn't happy like Christmas, but it's one I wanted to update and share. The last few chapters have been more hopeful, but recovery isn't taken at a steady upward pace. One will fall and that's normal, it's ok. If you fall, don't give up. Fight it, get back on your feet and get help so you can climb out of that pit.
> 
> I do have to add this:
> 
> **_***TRIGGER WARNING***_ **
> 
> This chapter deals with self-harm, more specifically burning. If you can't handle this, please don't read. I don't want you to have a difficult time during the holidays. If you need fluff, just hang on a few hours. I've got you covered ;)
> 
> Most of you know I use songs to channel my feelings. I have a song for every occassion. I've been listening to this one a lot because most of this year everything has seemed like a mess. I'm starting to climb out of my own pit, but this song fit the mood perfectly. The song is [Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCSX3mM6940) by Imagine Dragons. It is VERY emotional. I see everyone living in a dream while I'm in the mess. It seems like everyone is oblivious to everything going on, but that's part of life and ultimately recovery. K...done with my spiel.
> 
> Anywho, thanks for reading, let me know what you think and Happy Holidays.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

“Yura, you don’t have to figure it out this very moment.  It’s only been a month since you were released.  Give it time.”

Glaring at Otabek, the thought that he didn’t understand filled his mind again.  It was becoming frustrating trying to get others to see his perspective, and it was beginning to make him angry.  He tried his best to contain his rage, but he was getting close to exploding.

“Don’t you get it?” he asked furiously, “I need to find a purpose.  I need to find a reason to keep going.  I have nothing left, Beka.  Nothing!”

Yuri immediately regretted the words that spilled from his mouth when Otabek flinched and his shoulders slumped.  Otabek had been there for him the entire time since his suicide attempt and he didn’t deserve this abuse.  Though his psychologist warned him he would be irritable until he was on even ground again, Yuri didn’t think he’d lash out at Otabek like this.

“I’m sorry,” he said, falling on the couch and looking at the floor.

Otabek stood and walked to the closet beside the door, grabbing his jacket and donning it moments later.  He was quiet as he got ready to leave, picking up his keys and wallet before heading for the door.  Stopping to turn around, Otabek gave him an anguished stare that broke Yuri’s heart.

“I’ll be back in a little bit,” Otabek said sadly, “I need some air and I don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”

Yuri nodded and watched him leave, jumping when the door slammed moments later.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t know what to do.”

Yuuri watched Otabek press the heels of his hands against his forehead before sighing deeply.  His heart ached for his two friends.  He had been there for the best of his ability for Yuri and Otabek, lending Yuri support and being Otabek’s sounding board during their difficult time.  Watching Otabek, Yuuri knew he was close to crashing.

“Can I make a suggestion?” Yuuri asked, waiting for Otabek to look at him, “I think you need a break before you snap.”

“I promised Yuri I wasn’t going anywhere,” he argued, “I’m not bailing on him.”

“You’re not giving up, Otabek,” Yuuri assured him, “My parents are visiting next week.  He always got along with them and I know they’d love to see him again.  It will give you a day to recuperate.  If everything goes well, I’ll see if he would like to stay the night with Viktor and me.”

Otabek watched him, feeling the familiar dread at the thought of leaving Yuri.  He was convinced he was failing him when he left the apartment.  He didn’t lie to Yuri when he said he didn’t want to say something he would regret later.  Lost in thought while he wandered around the city, Otabek wasn’t surprised when he found himself in the lobby of Viktor’s and Yuuri’s apartment building.

“I don’t know,” he said hesitantly, “I need to be there for him.”

“You need to be there for you before you can help him, Otabek,” Yuuri corrected, “If you don’t start taking care of yourself, you’re not going to be much help for anyone.”

“But I—”

“Otabek,” Yuuri interrupted, “You’ve been at it for how many months now?  You haven’t taken any time for you and you’re faltering.  Now I’m telling you Yuri is coming with Viktor and me so you can rest.  Do something you enjoy.  Sleep all day.  Everyone has to recharge and none more so than you.”

Otabek mulled Yuuri’s words over and concluded he was right.  He just hoped Yuri understood.

 

* * *

 

“I’m what?”

Otabek sighed as he listened to Yuri yell.  He knew his emotions teetered precariously at any given moment, but he didn’t think Yuri spending time with the Katsukis would set him off.  Now Otabek was regretting the idea.

“Yuuri told me his parents are visiting and would love to see you,” Otabek explained, “It might lift your mood.”

“What do you mean ‘lift my mood?’” Yuri asked, his tone belligerent.

“I’m not trying to argue, Yura,” Otabek said, trying to choose his words carefully, “I love you, but I think it would be a good thing to have others help you also.”

“You mean like a break?” he asked.

“Yeah, a break,” Otabek echoed, smiling softly.

“I fucking knew it,” Yuri seethed, “You’re bailing.  You can’t handle it.”

“Yuri—”

His words were interrupted by the slamming of the bedroom door.

 

* * *

 

Even though he was livid since he felt like he was being passed from person to person, Yuri did want to see the Katsukis, Hiroko especially.  She had always been a kind and calming presence in his life, and he found himself needing it now.  He remembered enough Japanese to hold a simple conversation with her, and when Yuuri suggested he and his mother walk to the park one afternoon, Yuri agreed.

“How are you, Yuri?” she asked after they sat in silence for several minutes, watching the gulls descend onto the surface of the sea, “Honestly.  Tell me how you really are.”

Yuri’s shoulders slumped and he took a deep breath.  He was hesitant of telling anyone what truly went on in his head for finding himself back in the hospital.  He could trust Hiroko though not only to listen to him, but do what would help him most.

“Not good,” he confessed quietly, “Every day is a struggle.  Most days I still don’t want to be here, but I’m faking it the best I can.”

“Fake it until you make it?” Hiroko asked, smiling sadly when he nodded, “That has to be exhausting.”

“You have no idea.  The ones I still have left have been so supportive, especially Beka, but I feel like they don’t get it.  It makes me feel like the worst kind of person.”

“Yuri, I won’t even begin to imagine how you feel.  Have you asked your therapist if what you’re feeling is normal?” she inquired.

“She said it was, but it still doesn’t make it any easier.  I get up only to count down the hours I can go to sleep again.  Survival is a minute-by-minute ordeal to maintain what little sanity I have left.  I’m tired,” he stated.

“Yuri, for what it’s worth I’m so proud of you,” she said, taking his hand and squeezing it slightly, “It probably doesn’t feel like it, but you’re so strong to be fighting so hard.  I have faith you’re going to rise above this and be a better person than you were before.  I see you helping others in the future that are going through the same thing.”

“I feel like such a weakling,” he said, tears filling his eyes and threatening to spill over.

“Honey, you aren’t. You’re the strongest person I have the pleasure of knowing,” Hiroko said, “Even though we’re miles apart, you know I’m here for you anytime you need me.  If it’s the middle of the night and you need someone to talk to, call me.”

“Thanks, Hiroko.  I think you’re the only one that gets it.”

“No, Yuri.  I don’t get it, but that’s ok.  I just need to be here for you.  I think that’s what you need the most,” she said, correcting him.

The rush of emotion overwhelmed him and the tears streamed down his cheeks.  Leaning over, Yuri gathered Hiroko in his arms and hugged her fiercely.  Even though he was still livid at the thought of Otabek abandoning him albeit it temporarily, he was glad he got to talk to Hiroko.

 

* * *

 

The Katsukis had to return to Hasetsu a week after Yuri’s heartfelt conversation with Hiroko, and he needed reassurance more than ever that day.  His relationship with Otabek had improved the night before after they had an in-depth discussion about how they were feeling.  Yuri professed he felt alienated and a burden to everyone.  It angered him when it seemed like no one understood, but he couldn’t find the words to explain the thoughts running rampant in his mind.  Otabek explained he couldn’t help him if he didn’t know what was wrong.  He wanted to help Yuri more than anything in life, but Yuri had to communicate with him.  He needed to tell Otabek what he needed and how to help him.  When Otabek promised he’d do whatever it took to help him, it lifted a tremendous weight from Yuri’s shoulders.

No words in the world helped today, however.

From the moment he woke up, panic and doubt plagued him every minute.  He felt his mind spiraling further into the abyss he fought so hard to avoid.  Reaching for the pack of cigarettes on the table, Yuri cursed ever picking up the habit.  Instead of cutting, he turned to another destructive habit but vowed to Otabek to quit as soon as he was in a better mental state.  Otabek warily accepted his promise.

He took a drag from his cigarette and tried to chase the thought that had been on his mind all day.  It had been a battle not to follow through with it and he was beginning to lose it.  Otabek had thrown his blades away and attended Yuri’s next counseling session to let the woman know what happened.  Though it wasn’t legally binding, Yuri signed a contract to promise not to self-harm.  He admitted he didn’t want to follow through with hurting himself, Yuri was just tired of the hopelessness he was feeling.

He looked at the scars on his wrists and felt the familiar pang in his chest when he thought about ending his life.  The voice in his mind began chanting, the words urging him to do something about it.  While he didn’t want to live any longer, Yuri had become terrified of dying.  He thought it quite the paradox but his therapist assured him it was normal.  It didn’t help ease his frame of mind.

Taking another puff from the cigarette, he removed it from his mouth and stared at the glowing ember.  He thought for a second before resigning himself, pushing the end of the cigarette on the back of his hand.  The pain that shot through him felt good, made him forget about his anxiety and defeating thoughts.  He felt alive again and loved the way the adrenaline rushed through him.  Once the pain became too much to bear, he removed the cigarette for a minute before choosing another spot on his hand and repeating the process.  He continued for a few minutes until he saw the angry marks on his hand.  His entire being plummeted when he realized he had done the very thing he promised not to do.  Tears filled his eyes when he realized he’d stumbled horribly in his recovery.  Reaching for his phone, he sent an urgent text message.

_I need you to come home.  
Now._

_Alright.  
Let me get changed and I’ll be right there._

_Fuck that. You need to get home.  
I did something really stupid._

Walking to the sink, Yuri turned the water on and drenched the pack of cigarettes, tossing them in the garbage.  When he reached the sofa in the living room, he fell onto it and waited for Otabek to come home.

 

* * *

 

“What happened?” Otabek asked, rushing into the living room and sitting next to Yuri.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, taking Otabek’s hands in his own and making sure he saw the burn marks.

“Oh, Yura,” he said sadly.

His heart fell to his stomach when he saw the blistered skin on Yuri’s hands.  He knew Yuri had been having a horrendous time the past month and he had tried to be there as much as possible.  He wanted to take the season off, but Yuri demanded he compete.  It meant too much to Otabek and he didn’t want to take it away from him.  When Otabek protested, Yuri glared at him and told him the decision was final. 

But this, this changed everything.

“You know I have to call your psychologist,” Otabek said softly, watching Yuri nod, “She’s going to send you to intake, Yura.”

“I know,” he stated, “I know I’m going to be put in again.”

“I’m sorry, Yura.”

“It’s my own fault.  I just can’t do this.  If I’m going to burn, what’s next?” Yuri demanded, “I have to stop this and I can’t do it on my own.”

“Alright.  Let me call her and we’ll pack a bag,” Otabek said.

“Ok.”

“Yura?” he asked, waiting for Yuri to look at him, “Don’t forget that no matter what happens or how you feel, I’ll always love you.”


	6. Spun a Web

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Yuri's second hospitalization, he makes a decision that impacts both him and Otabek.
> 
> The day he was released had Yuri’s heart pounding. He knew what he had to do, but didn’t want to be rash in his decision. Chuckling to himself, he knew he was set upon an unpredictable path but felt this was the only choice. He just hoped everyone that his decision impacted would understand.
> 
> He bided his time until he couldn’t handle it any longer. It had been a week since he had been discharged and Otabek insisted on hovering over him, asking him many times a day if there was anything he could do or how he could help. Yuri knew he should be thankful for his boyfriend’s concern and love, but he found it grating on his nerves.
> 
> “You what?” Otabek asked after the book he was holding in his hands slid to the floor.
> 
> “I want you to leave,” Yuri repeated, “This isn’t working anymore. I think we both need to move on.”
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of you know that I use this fic as a release for my feelings as I go through a rough time. Hell, the past year has been a roller coaster for me and I'm still waiting for it to stop. I'm hoping it will be soon. So while I wait and do what I need to do to stay sane, I work out some of my feelings in this fic. 
> 
> This chapter involves rash decisions while mentally unstable. It's one of the worst things someone can do while recovering. I have A LOT of experience with this and have to fight myself to give it twenty-four hours before making a decision. Rinse, lather, repeat ;)
> 
> The next chapter will be from Otabek's point of view since I think it's time. I'm really hoping I can do it justice as I don't have a lot of experience being on the other side, but I'm going to try since I have observed how my actions affect others. 
> 
> I started this around three this morning and was listening to my playlist when THE song came on for this. Yes, I'm addicted to music and you guys know it. I was sorting through all the insanity in my mind and this song clarified it. My thoughts organized and I was able to get this out. The song? [ Trouble by Coldplay ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSBSpSOh6lQ). If you haven't heard it, you need to. It describes Yuri perfectly.
> 
> So thanks for reading, hope you like it and let me know what you think. And no rash decisions! Sleep on it!
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

The past five weeks had been the most grueling of Yuri’s life.

Otabek had taken him to the crisis assessment center at the urging of his psychologist.  Once the social worker saw the burns on his hands, he deemed it necessary to admit Yuri to a facility immediately.  The man tried to get Yuri placed in the hospital he had his previous stay, but they were filled to capacity.  He found an alternate hospital and wished Yuri the best.

The minute Yuri walked into the ward he knew what the social worker meant.

It was close to one in the morning by the time he arrived and shouts could be heard from further down the hallway.  The chilling screams set Yuri’s nerves on edge, and he found himself wanting to bolt from the building but knew it wasn’t possible.  The intake he had to endure was horrifying, the staff member assigned to him apathetic to his plight.  He felt so insignificant, felt like his commitment to the hospital would set him back even further.  Repeating the mantra he kept in mind so often, Yuri pictured Otabek’s smile as he switched to autopilot.

The morning wasn’t much better.  Jumping when a nurse yelled at him to wake up, Yuri sat up and fought the overwhelming sadness threatening to consume him.  He regretted using self-mutilation as a temporary release from pain.  He hated he had been so weak he resorted to burning himself instead of calling someone in his support system.  Now here he was living another nightmare that would take time to recover from.

His stay at the hospital lasted a week before he was transferred to the facility he had been committed so many months ago.  Yuri arrived by ambulance, bouncing his legs nervously in the bay during the ride.  He was on edge, his feelings bleaker since he had taken the ember of the cigarette to his skin.  He just hoped the surroundings and staff that he was familiar with at the hospital would help him turn over a new leaf.

Remaining at in the mental wing of the hospital for nearly a month had Yuri thinking about his future several times.  He never thought about a life without skating and it scared him.  He’d barely approached the subject with his psychologist, but when the woman asked him about it, he shut down immediately.  It reminded him of the life he had lost, how far he had fallen since the attack that ended his career.

Yuri’s visits with Otabek grew colder as he withdrew into himself.  He spent far too many nights laying awake contemplating what he now wanted from life.  Some nights it drove him out of his mind, others he had remarkable clarity and decided on several courses of action he wanted to take when he was discharged.  All he could do now was bide his time.

He had to remind himself it wasn’t Otabek’s fault, it was his own.

The day he was released had Yuri’s heart pounding.  He knew what he had to do, but didn’t want to be rash in his decision.  Chuckling to himself, he knew he was set upon an unpredictable path but felt this was the only choice.  He just hoped everyone that his decision impacted would understand.

He bided his time until he couldn’t handle it any longer.  It had been a week since he had been discharged and Otabek insisted on hovering over him, asking him many times a day if there was anything he could do or how he could help.  Yuri knew he should be thankful for his boyfriend’s concern and love, but he found it grating on his nerves.

“You what?” Otabek asked after the book he was holding in his hands slid to the floor.

“I want you to leave,” Yuri repeated, “This isn’t working anymore.  I think we both need to move on.”

“Hang on a minute,” he said, closing his eyes and shaking his head, “You want me to leave?”

“Yes,” Yuri said, holding Otabek’s stare with his own.

“What brought this on?” he asked.

“The hospital.  I had a lot of time to think about what I needed,” Yuri replied, “I need to be left alone.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Yura,” Otabek said, growing frantic, “Have you talked to your therapist?  Is there something else I can do? Do you need—”

“I need you to leave!” Yuri shouted, “My life is over!  Don’t you get it?  You’re nothing but a reminder of what I lost!  I don’t need that.  Just get your shit and go.”

“Yura…”

Yuri ignored him, slipping his headphones over his ears and blaring the music to drown out Otabek’s pleas.  He had to stay strong while the situation unfolded and not cave into his boyfriend’s begging to remain by his side.  It hurt because he had loved Otabek for years, but he knew it was better this way.

Otabek appeared in the living room an hour later with a bag in hand.  Looking up, Yuri watched him cross the room to the doorway, slipping his shoes on and putting a hand on the doorknob.  Yuri knew he had been crying even without seeing his face, could tell by the defeat slumping Otabek’s shoulders.  When Otabek turned around, his tear-stained cheeks confirmed Yuri’s thought.

“I’d like to talk this out with you when things calm down,” Otabek said, his voice terse.

“We’ll see,” Yuri said.

“Alright,” Otabek said quietly, “I’ll see you later.  Call me if you need anything.  I’ll check in later tonight.”

“Don’t bother,” he muttered, lifting a magazine and flipping through the pages nonchalantly.

“Yura,” Otabek said, waiting for him to look at him, “I love you more than life, and I’m not giving up this easily.  I’m going to fight this and show you how much you mean to me.”

“Whatever,” Yuri growled, “Go.”

Closing his eyes until he heard the door shut, Yuri slid off the couch and curled into a ball on the floor before tears consumed him.  His heart was breaking, but he had to do this.  He wasn’t good for anyone, especially not Otabek.  He loved Otabek so much he was willing to let him go and find the life he deserved.

_Forgive me, Beka.  I’m doing this for you._

 

* * *

 

Leaning against the closed door, Otabek banged his head lightly against the wood paneling.  While he had felt Yuri’s distance since he came home, Otabek thought they had been making progress. 

He’d never been more wrong in his life.

Knowing he couldn’t remain in the hall all night, Otabek fished his phone from his pocket and scrolled through his contacts.  His choices of places to stay were minimal and he didn’t want to stay at a hotel.  He needed to be around those he trusted, those he considered loved ones.  He yearned to be with Yuri, but that wasn’t possible at the moment.  Deciding on who to contact, Otabek pressed the screen and waited for the line to be answered.

_“Hey, Otabek.  What’s up?”_

“Viktor,” he said, his voice rough from crying, “I need to ask a huge favor.”

_“What’s wrong?”_

The tone of Viktor’s voice changed to a seriousness Otabek had never heard from him.  He explained Yuri’s abrupt decision of ending their relationship and kicking him out.  As the words poured out of him, so did the tears, slipping down his cheeks in a torrent he didn’t realize was possible.

_“Do you need a place to stay?”_

“Yeah, please,” Otabek choked, sniffing loudly and wiping at his eyes.

 _“You’re more than welcome to stay as long as you need,”_ Viktor said quietly, _“Meet me at the café at the corner.  I’ll pick you up in fifteen minutes.  You don’t need to be driving.”_

“Alright. See you then,” he said, “Oh, and Viktor?”

_“Yes?”_

“Thank you.”

 _“Anytime.  I’ll be there soon,”_ Viktor promised, ending the call seconds later.

One more sniff and glance at the door, Otabek walked down the hallway, numbness drowning the sadness as Yuri’s smile of many days past flashed before his eyes.


	7. Falling to Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his breakup with Yuri, Otabek wonders if he'll ever get his life back on track.
> 
> The minute the door shut behind him, Otabek slid to the floor as the tears he’d kept at bay broke through. He hadn’t cried this much since Yuri attempted to take his life. He hadn’t felt as lost since he had that day. He nearly lost the love of his life that day, now Yuri had slipped through his fingers forever.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe we're at the halfway mark for this fic, so we're getting there. It still won't be sunshine and bunnies since it's recovery, but you'll see how it works out. 
> 
> The only note I can think of for this chapter is the song that came to mind for this one and helped me write it. It doesn't completely fit, but a lot of it does. It's [Breakeven by The Script](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01J2e2fLvLM). It's definitely from Otabek's side. 
> 
> A little housekeeping note: I've decided to post my work on Saturdays from now on. It doesn't mean that every fic will be updated each Saturday, but I'll get to what I am feeling that week. So be sure to check back on Saturdays. I can guarantee there will be at least one chapter of a fic posted barring illness/other crazy life events.
> 
> Anywho, hope you like this chapter, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> ~Pax
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxwritesyoi.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](http://twitter.com/paxohana). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

Otabek stared at the ceiling in the still of the night, a hand resting on his abdomen while he contemplated the bitter turn his life had taken that day.  He thought he had done everything Yuri asked for and what he needed.  He had come to terms he wouldn’t always understand what Yuri was going through nor say the right things all the time, but he had tried his best.

Now it seemed his best wasn’t enough.

Otabek had vowed to stay by Yuri’s side no matter the cost to himself, knowing Yuri needed someone to lean on.  Otabek wanted to be that person, but Yuri pushed him away.  He wasn’t the only person he refused to talk to.

Viktor had tried to visit Yuri that afternoon after bringing Otabek to his and Yuuri’s apartment.  After making sure Yuuri assisted in helping Otabek get settled, Viktor returned to the building of his and Yuri’s unit.  He had knocked on the door for what seemed an eternity, but Yuri ignored his pleas to let him help, to let Viktor listen to what was bothering him.  After a complaint from a neighbor, Viktor resigned himself to speaking with Yuri later.

Otabek was withdrawn for the rest of the night and could barely keep track of the questions Viktor and Yuuri were asking him.  He knew they were only trying to help, but they were starting to irk him.  He was a torn man and didn’t know how to react to his new reality.  His life had shifted to merely existing and he felt like he was barely breathing.  Finally conceding to exhaustion, Otabek wished them a good night and faked a smile when they echoed his sentiment.

The minute the door shut behind him, Otabek slid to the floor as the tears he’d kept at bay broke through. He hadn’t cried this much since Yuri attempted to take his life.  He hadn’t felt as lost since he had that day.  He nearly lost the love of his life that day, now Yuri had slipped through his fingers forever. 

 

* * *

 

Kicking the door closed with his foot, Yuri hurried into the kitchen and dropped the bags that threatened to fall onto the table.  He was out of breath and worn out from all the chores he had to do now, but it had been his choice to end things with Otabek.  Times like these he missed him terribly.  They would make grocery trips a game, splitting the list and darting around the store for the items they needed.  When one finished first, they taunted the other with dragging the bags home.

Yuri always won, but now he was playing the game alone. 

It had been a month since he kicked Otabek out and at times he missed him, but Yuri knew he was doing what was best for both of them.  Though Yuri loved Otabek with all his heart and soul, he was a constant reminder of the life he had lost.  He had cut the rest of his skating family from his life as well, deeming the friendships with them hurt too much not only for his abrupt halt to his career but regarding Otabek as well.  Viktor came to the apartment every few days hoping for a chance to talk to him, but Yuri always ignored the pounding on the door.  Yuri missed Viktor especially, but it was too painful to see him at this point in his life. 

He had only been home for ten minutes when a familiar knock sounded at the door.  He sighed and began to put the groceries away, hoping Viktor would tire quickly that day.  Therapy had been grueling that afternoon and he wanted nothing more than to escape the day in the bliss of sleep.  His therapist had hounded him when he broke his relationship with Otabek off, and she continued to do so.  When Yuri ran out of reasons of why he kicked him out, the woman declared he was acting selfishly when he needed Otabek more than ever.  Yuri explained that Otabek could do better without him and find someone that deserved him, but his therapist argued it wasn’t his decision to make and he couldn’t take control of something as serious as a relationship.

That day had been the first day of intensive outpatient therapy and Yuri was exhausted.  He had balked at the idea, but his therapist insisted.  He was beginning to show signs of mental decline

 and he wanted to avoid hospitalization again, so he reluctantly agreed to give the additional therapy a chance.  He had kept to himself most of the day, only speaking in group when one of the patients recognized him.  He put on the façade he’d perfected in a little under two years and thanked them for their support, but left it at that when they asked what happened.  Yuri couldn’t relive that right now.  Just when the patient began inquiring again, the group leader had intervened, saving Yuri further discomfort.

The rest of the day passed without incident and Yuri was grateful for small miracles.  He contemplated not going back the next day due to the patient knowing his past, but knew his therapist would balk at the idea.  He was honest with himself and knew he needed the treatment as well no matter how much it irritated him.  At this point, he was playing the game of staying out of the hospital.

The knocking ceased earlier than usual that day and Yuri looked toward the door.  Viktor wasn’t known as one to give up easily and Yuri wondered if he was reaching that stage with him.  He was battling the thought of stopping Viktor in the hallway and asking why he was leaving when an envelope slid under the door.  Tilting his head in confusion, Yuri walked toward the entrance and picked up the envelope, his heart sinking when he saw his name written in familiar scrawl.  Absently walking to the couch, Yuri opened the envelope and pulled the letter out before sitting down.

_Yura,  
I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I’m lost without you. Will you let me know what I did wrong?  I can change it.  I promise I’ll make us better and be there more than ever.   It’s been a month, Yura.  Can we talk about this?  Please?_

_Otabek_

Sighing as sadness gripped his heart, Yuri stood and went into the kitchen, crumbling the note before tossing it into the garbage.  Having lost his appetite, he went back into the living room and fell onto the couch. The action jarred his body, and he felt the familiar painful twinges from the surgery on his knee a couple years prior.  He grasped the joint gently and began to rub the pain away, finding himself missing Otabek even more.

 

* * *

 

 _Hey Yura_  
_Viktor said he left the letter I wrote under the door._  
_Did you get it?_  
_Hope to hear from you soon._

 _Yura, I wanted to check in and make sure everything is ok._  
_I know we didn’t part on the best of terms, but you still mean the world to me._  
_Can I take you out for coffee and we can talk?_

 _It’s been a week since the last text_  
_I’m guessing you don’t want to talk._  
_I’m here if you need me, Yura, but I’ll leave you alone now._  
_I still love you._

 

* * *

 

“He still hasn’t contacted you?”

Otabek shook his head, answering Viktor’s question.  It had been two weeks since he had texted Yuri last and his heart was breaking apart.  He had tried to wrap his mind around the fact he needed to move on, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.  Bringing up his concerns with Viktor and Yuuri, Otabek felt he’d hit a brick wall.

“Not a word,” he said, his voice gruff with emotion that threatened to bubble over.

Otabek had immersed himself in his normal routine, but nothing felt normal anymore.  He was on autopilot and had been yelled at by rinkmates and coach alike.  It was hard being in the same building as the Russian club since it reminded him of Yuri, but he had to learn to adjust to it.  Becoming quite adept at blocking his surrounding out, Otabek tried his best to drudge through his days.

“I visited the apartment two days ago,” Viktor stated, “but nothing.”

They both looked up when Yuuri entered the apartment seconds later.  Dropping his bag on the floor and shutting the door, Yuuri made his way over to Viktor and kissed him before sitting next to him.  He had insisted on additional practice that day and planned on picking up a couple items from the store on his way home. 

“How was your day?” Yuuri asked Otabek.

“Same shit, different day,” he mumbled, resting his elbows on his knees and shoving his fingers through his hair.

“I ran into Yuri at the store,” Yuuri said suddenly, giving Otabek a sad smile when his head whipped up.

“How is he?  What did he say?  Did he look alright?” Otabek asked in a rush of words.

“He asked that we leave him alone,” Yuuri said softly, wincing when Otabek’s shoulders slumped, “He said he needs to move on and he can’t do it when you and Viktor are constantly bothering him.  His words, not mine.”

Otabek felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach.  He had been holding on to the hope that Yuri would have a change of heart but it had just been thrown back his face.  His future and reason for living had been tossed away, leaving him utterly broken.

“I need to…” Otabek began, staggering to his feet, “I can’t do this right now.”

When Otabek disappeared to his room, Viktor took Yuuri’s hand and squeezed it.  They had chatted about him several nights and an idea came to mind more often than not.  Though Yuuri chided him about interfering, Viktor promised him he wouldn’t get involved until the situation became dire.

“Does this constitute a dire situation?” Viktor asked, giving Yuuri a grim smile when he nodded, “Why don’t you check on Otabek?  I have a phone call to make.”

 

* * *

 

Yuri had been laying in bed for hours, falling further into the darkness that threatened to consume him.  Each day was becoming more difficult to live through and he found himself counting the hours until he could return to the sweetness of sleep.  He knew it wasn’t healthy and his therapist would get after him, but it was the only way he could cope.

He thought about going out to get a pack of cigarettes when he heard pounding on the door, so hard it shook the knickknacks in the living room.  He instantly became enraged and darted out of bed, prepared to unleash his anger on one of his former friends.  Since he ran into Yuuri a few days prior, Viktor’s visits to his apartment had ceased.  Stomping to the door and flinging it open when he reached it, Yuri’s words caught in his throat and he stared at his visitor.

“Yuratchka, may I come in?”

Yuri stood out of the way and gestured for the older man to enter.  His grandfather was the last person he wanted to see besides Otabek.  He had a tendency of getting to the root of the problem within minutes and Yuri didn’t want his deepest fears coming to light.  After playing the gracious host and getting his grandfather a bottle of water, he sat in the chair across from his grandfather.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Viktor called me,” Nikolai said, “What’s going on, Yuri?”

“I decided it’s time to move on.  I’m not going to get any better hanging around those that remind me of my former life,” Yuri said.

“You mean those that love you regardless and want to help you?” his grandfather corrected, lifting a brow when Yuri looked away, “I’m right, aren’t I?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he growled.

“Yuratchka, you’ve always been one to let me know what’s bothering you,” Nikolai said gently, “Talk to me.”

“You know how fucked up I’ve been,” Yuri began, instantly regretting his choice of words, “Sorry about cursing.”

“If you’re being honest about how you’re feeling, curse away,” he said, urging him to continue.

“I’m putting Otabek through hell, Grandpa, worse than what I’m going through.  Not only does he have to deal with me being a fucking yo-yo of emotions, but he also has to deal with how he’s feeling.  Half the time I’m crying and the other half I’m yelling at him for not understanding.  That doesn’t even begin to touch on the numbness or the fact I try not to care about anything.  I care so much it fucking hurts.  That’s why I let him go, Grandpa.  He deserves better.”

“Why didn’t you let him decide if he deserves better?” Nikolai asked, “You’ve been taken by that boy for years, Yuratchka.  You were over the moon when you two became an item.  Why are you throwing it all away?”

“That’s what my therapist said,” he grumbled.

“She is the one with the degree,” his grandfather scolded gently, “Do you really want him out of your life?  Do you want everyone you’ve spent years growing to know and love out of your life?”

“No,” Yuri whispered, choking back tears, “I miss all of them so much, but with Beka?  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  I want him back so badly, but what if he won’t come back?  What if I fucked things up too much? It’s been weeks since he texted me.”

“Call him.  Ask him.”

Yuri stared at his grandfather and wondered if it was that simple.  He’d rehearsed what he would say to Otabek in his head more times than he could count, but now that he considered contacting him he was at a loss for words.

“Go on, Yuratchka,” Nikolai urged, “It will help both of you.”

Nodding once, Yuri found the most important number in his contacts and pressed the button, counting the rings.

 

* * *

 

Laying on his side with his legs curled up to his chest, Otabek was lost in the most terrifying thoughts he’d ever had in his life.  There was a time he had the best life imaginable ahead of him.  He had his soaring career and the love of his life.  He had the support of friends and family along with a multitude of fans. 

All that changed in a matter of minutes when Yuri had been jumped in the alleyway behind the arena.  The time had been trying but Otabek promised him they’d get through it regardless of what it took.  He was there through Yuri’s surgeries and physical therapy.  He was there to hold Yuri during his bouts of tears and rage.  He vowed to listen to him anytime he needed and would be there always.

But all that changed when Yuri kicked him out.

He had been contemplating moving back to Kazakhstan in the days since Yuuri delivered the grim news that Yuri wanted nothing to do with any of them any longer.  St. Petersburg was nothing but a painful reminder of everything Yuri was to him and he couldn’t face it any longer.  Deciding to talk to Viktor once he found the strength, Otabek began to make a mental checklist of what he needed to accomplish before leaving the country.

When the vibration of his phone sounded on the table next to his bed, Otabek reached behind him and grabbed it.  He had become accustomed to looking at the number and tossing the device on the bed seconds later, choosing not to answer it.  When he saw the number on the caller id, however, Otabek wasted no time in answering it.

“Yuri,” he said quickly.

 _“Hey,”_ Yuri said awkwardly, _“Are you busy?  I need to talk to you.”_

“No, now is good.  Do you want to do this over the phone or do you want me to come over?” Otabek asked.

 _“Phone right now.  This is the only way I’m going to get through it,”_ Yuri confessed.

“Alright.”

 _“I’m sorry,”_ Yuri said.

Otabek felt relief rush through him from hearing two simple words.  He had been dying to hear them for almost two months and thought it would never be possible.  Emotion overcame him and tears began to spill down his cheeks.  Choking back the sob that escaped, Otabek took a deep, shaky breath before continuing.

“Me too, Yura.  Tell me what I need to do to help you get through this and to make it better,” Otabek pleaded, “I’ll change everything it helps you.”

 _“It’s not you, Beka,”_ he stated, _“I’m so fucked up and I keep dragging you down with me.  It’s not fair to you and I know you can find better.”_

“I don’t want to try to find better, Yura,” Otabek said, switching his phone to the other ear, “You are the better for me.  I don’t want anyone else.”

 _“That’s pretty much what everyone has said,”_ Yuri muttered, _“That I need to let you decide.”_

“You’re what I want, but I can’t handle you pushing me away again,” he admitted, “If I come back, I need reassurance that you want me there regardless of anything that happens.”

 _“Will you…”_ Yuri said, pausing to take a deep breath, _“Do you want to come home?”_

“More than anything, Yura,” he professed, “Let me pack a bag and let Yuuri and Viktor know where I’ll be.  We need to talk, though.”

_“I know.  Beka?”_

“Yes?”

 _“I never stopped loving you,”_ he admitted.

“Nor I,” Otabek echoed, smiling softly, “Let me hang up.  I’ll be home soon.”

 


	8. I'm Not Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Yuri's anxiety rears it's ugly head, Otabek does everything within his power to help him.
> 
> The clanking of metal grew louder as he approached the kitchen. When he turned the corner and saw Yuri’s lower half peeking from the cabinet, Otabek folded his arms and leaned against the wall. He’d learned in recent weeks when Yuri’s behavior hit this stage that there was nothing he could do to help.
> 
> “Good morning,” Otabek said, wincing when he heard Yuri’s head hit the top of the cabinet.
> 
> “Fucking hell!” Yuri shouted, rubbing the top of his head when he emerged.
> 
> “I’m sorry,” he apologized, “I didn’t want to scare you.”
> 
> “Well, you did,” Yuri growled.
> 
> “Rough time?”
> 
> “I can’t sleep I’m so anxious,” Yuri muttered, shivering when he sat on the cold tile, “I can’t focus on anything. I can’t calm down. I fucking hate this, Beka.”
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you know I'm using this fic as therapy right now. While not all situations apply to me, it helps. This chapter has been me for the past month or so: Anxiety. It's the cruelest of demons and I absolutely abhor it. It can be managed but personally, I need help getting through it. I have a couple people I can lean on in addition to my mental health team and I don't know what I would do without them.
> 
> And as always, if you find yourself in this situation or have thoughts of harming yourself or others, please seek out help. This is just my story to help me. You'll only get better when you find what helps you.
> 
> The song that jumped out at me for this one (and me lately) is [Unwell by Matchbox Twenty](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k). It's such an amazingly profound song. If you haven't heard it before, I strongly urge you to check it out.
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope you like it and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

The banging of pots and pans woke him from a deep slumber.  He felt the other side of the bed and realized it was empty and cool.  Opening his eyes, he let them adjust to the dark before getting up. 

The clanking of metal grew louder as he approached the kitchen.  When he turned the corner and saw Yuri’s lower half peeking from the cabinet, Otabek folded his arms and leaned against the wall.  He’d learned in recent weeks when Yuri’s behavior hit this stage that there was nothing he could do to help.

“Good morning,” Otabek said, wincing when he heard Yuri’s head hit the top of the cabinet.

“Fucking hell!” Yuri shouted, rubbing the top of his head when he emerged.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, “I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Well, you did,” Yuri growled.

“Rough time?”

“I can’t sleep I’m so anxious,” Yuri muttered, shivering when he sat on the cold tile, “I can’t focus on anything.  I can’t calm down.  I fucking hate this, Beka.”

“I’m not going to say I know because I don’t,” Otabek said, sitting across from him and taking his hands, “What can I do?”

“First of all,” Yuri began, removing his hands from Otabek’s grasp, “please don’t touch me.  It’s too much right now.”

“Sorry,” Otabek said.

“You didn’t know.  Will you sit up with me for a little while?  I don’t want to be alone but don’t want to talk,” Yuri inquired.

“Of course, Yura,” Otabek said, rising from the floor and helping Yuri to his feet.

Leading Yuri to the living room, Otabek helped him get situated on the couch before returning to the bedroom for blankets and the book he’d been reading.  He knew he was in for a long day and needed an easy activity to occupy his time while helping Yuri.  He just hoped Yuri’s anxiousness would abate as the day went on.

“Do you need a pillow?” Otabek asked as he draped the blanket over him.

“Nah, I’m good,” he replied, “Can you hand my the controller and put the RPG game we bought the other day in the console?”

Otabek nodded and did as Yuri asked, handing him the controller moments later.  He knew when Yuri started with a video game, he’d be bouncing from task to task every thirty minutes or so.  Instead of reading his book, Otabek decided to play a game on his phone.

“I already don’t want to do this,” Yuri said as the game loaded.

“Do you want me to put a different one in?” Otabek questioned.

“No, I’ll try this for a little while.”

Yuri lasted twenty minutes playing the game and hopped to his social media account without turning the console off.  He scanned the posts he’d been tagged in and answered a few direct messages, but most of it didn’t hold his attention.  Deciding he had enough after ten minutes, Yuri dug through the books on the coffee table and pondered which one to read.

“Did you like this one?” he asked Otabek, holding a novel up.

“It was ok.  The space story I was telling you about the other day was much better,” Otabek answered.

“Space story?”

“Yeah, the astronaut that gets abandoned on the planet she’s visiting with her team and she finds an alien civilization,” Otabek said, “I told you about it two days ago.”

“Oh,” Yuri said, looking at the ground as frustration overcame him, “I was having a bad day a couple days ago.”

“It’s ok, Yura,” he assured him, “I think you’d like the space one better.”

Otabek was proud of Yuri when he looked at the time and realized Yuri had been reading for over an hour.  It had been the longest he’d been able to focus on something in over a week and Otabek couldn’t be happier for him.  Just when he was about to tell him, Yuri dropped the book on the floor and shoved his hands through his hair.

“I hate this,” Yuri growled.

“I’m sorry, Yura,” Otabek said, “What can I do to help?”

“There’s nothing you can do,” he replied, smiling sadly at him, “I just have to wait for it to pass.”

“Are you hungry? I could make some breakfast.”

“Maybe some toast,” Yuri said.

“How about some eggs and bacon too?” Otabek suggested, “You’re losing a lot of weight.”

“I said toast,” Yuri reiterated, glaring at him.

“Two pieces of toast coming up,” Otabek said, sighing as he got up from the couch and went into the kitchen.

After making eggs and bacon for himself, Otabek popped four pieces of bread in the toaster and waited for them to cook.  Once they were finished, Otabek grabbed the plates and headed back into the living room, handing Yuri a plate as he sat on the opposite end of the couch.

“Back to video games?” Otabek asked, picking up his book and taking a bite of bacon.

“Yeah, I’ll read the book later.”

“Alright,” Otabek said.

After a battle that lasted less than five minutes, Yuri had enough of the game and tossed the control onto the table before getting up and pacing the living room.  Otabek tried to ignore him, but Yuri proved too much of a distraction and he placed the marker in his book before putting it down. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Otabek asked, “What’s going through your mind?”

“That’s just it!” Yuri cried, “I can’t grasp my thoughts.  It’s too fast and it’s driving me insane!”

“Do you want me to call your psychiatrist or psychologist when they open?” he inquired.

“I think it might be a good idea,” Yuri said, “I hope I can make it for another…”

“Six hours, Yura. Your psychiatrist doesn’t open for six hours and then the psychologist an hour after that,” he informed him.

“Shit,” Yuri mumbled, “I’m going to go fucking batty before then.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help,” he promised, “Just let me know what I need to do.”

“Right now I need you to shut up,” Yuri muttered, feeling terrible about being mean to Otabek but his frustration was too high to be civil.

Otabek nodded and returned to his book but kept an eye on Yuri.  He wished there was something he could do for him but he was at a loss.  Glad he scheduled an appointment with Yuri’s psychologist that week, Otabek hoped it would result in ways to help him.

Looking up only when Yuri plopped on the sofa, Otabek’s eyes widened when he saw angry red scratches on Yuri’s forearms.  When his anxiety ran high, Yuri had developed a new debilitating habit of absently clawing at his arms.  Upon seeing the marks on Yuri, Otabek quickly placed his book on the table and sat up.

“Yuri?” he asked.

“What?”

“Look at your arms, sweetheart,” Otabek said, his lips pursing when he took in Yuri’s shock, “Do you need some distraction?”

Yuri nodded and Otabek opened his arms, smiling gently when Yuri burrowed against him.  Enfolding Yuri in a loving embrace, Otabek whispered words of encouragement while stroking Yuri’s soft hair.  He couldn’t imagine what Yuri was going through and he wanted to take the pain away from him, but it wasn’t possible.  All he could do was watch the agony his boyfriend was experiencing and be there the best he could.

After twenty minutes, Yuri’s eyelids began to flutter shut.  He had been awake for over a day and Otabek knew he was close to crashing, realizing it was a blessing in disguise.  The only thing that helped Yuri when he was in a state like this was passing out from sheer exhaustion.

“Go to sleep, Yura,” Otabek whispered, kissing his forehead, “I’ll call your doctors when they open.”

“Can’t sleep,” Yuri mumbled, “Too wound up.”

“You’re on the verge of passing out,” he said, smiling gently, “Get some rest.”

Yuri nodded once and drifted to sleep without another word.

 

* * *

 

 It was daylight when Yuri woke and the anxiety settled in within minutes.  He typically had an hour before his hell began, but today was especially horrendous.  Whining in annoyance, Yuri pushed against the muscled warmth he was laying on.

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” Otabek said quietly, “Rest well?”

“I want to go back to sleep,” Yuri mumbled, “It’s already started.”

“I’m so sorry, Yura,” he said, giving him a quick kiss, “I got an appointment with your psychiatrist in an hour and your psychologist in two.”

“What would I do without you?” Yuri asked seriously, “I know I’m a fucking mess now and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.”

“I love you, Yura,” Otabek said, “I’m here for the long haul.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you away,” he said, feeling overwhelming sadness build within him and tears form in his eyes.

“Hey,” Otabek whispered, wiping a stray tear away, “It’s in the past and let’s hope it doesn’t repeat itself.  We’re here now and we’ll get through it.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Otabek’s return to the apartment and Yuri’s life wasn’t without hardship.  There were times that Otabek acted in ways that drove Yuri mad much to his chagrin.  There were times he bit his tongue to keep yelling back when Yuri screamed at him.  They had talked after their first argument within days of Otabek’s return and what they needed from their relationship at this point.  It wasn’t the same as when they got together years before and it wouldn’t work for them now.  After making a list and talking to Yuri’s psychologist about it, they were off to a good start. 

“Remember what your psychologist said?” Otabek asked.

“Which part?”

“About being open in communication and how we’re feeling.  What’s in the past is in the past.  We can’t change it.  All we can do is learn from it,” Otabek reminded him, “As long as we keep doing what we’re doing, we’ll make it.”

“You don’t know how much I need to hear that right now,” Yuri admitted, smiling softly when Otabek brushed his lips across his.

“I’ll repeat it as many times as you need, Yura,” he assured him, “I’ll be your broken record if need be.”

“Thanks, Beka.”

 

* * *

 

Both the visit to the psychiatrist and the psychologist proved fruitful.  Yuri was prescribed a light anti-anxiety medication to add to the many he was already taking, but the doctor was hopeful he wouldn’t be on it long. After scheduling an appointment for the following week, Yuri met Otabek in the waiting room.  His psychologist was on the floor above and since he was going to be there for an hour, Otabek decided to run to the store for easy meals. 

“I’ll be back before you get out,” Otabek said, giving him a kiss seconds later, “Text me if there’s anything special you want.”

“Cheese sticks.”

“Cheese sticks?” Otabek asked, raising a brow, “Alright.  Cheese sticks added to the list.”

Otabek left after another kiss, leaving Yuri in the waiting room.  Minutes later, his psychologist called him back and they delved into the session trying to find the root of the problem for that day.  The woman knew his fear of Otabek leaving was astronomical despite reassurances he wasn’t going anywhere, but Yuri was terrified he’d reach the point he couldn’t tolerate his illness any longer.

After going through a worksheet of turning negative thoughts into a positive one, Yuri was feeling slightly better.  She had him listen to reason yet sort out the details on his own.  He found it annoying that it was such hard work, but it helped him immensely in the long run. 

Once the session was finished, Yuri found Otabek in the waiting room flipping through a magazine.  When he saw Yuri, Otabek gave him a smile and stood, holding the door for Yuri.  They chatted about the trip to the grocery store and the items Otabek purchased.  When Otabek’s answers became short, Yuri knew he was pondering something and his mind jumped to the worst possible scenario.

“What’s wrong?” he asked suddenly, his anxiety spiking higher than it had that day.

“I took some time off,” Otabek stated.

“Why?” Yuri questioned.

“I feel like you need me here more than I need to be on the ice,” he said.

“I’ll be ok,” Yuri said, “Just drop me off at Viktor’s or something.  He’ll help me if I’m having a rough day.”

“It’s my job to help you through this, Yura.”

“Is that what I am?” Yuri asked, suddenly angry, “I’m a job?”

“No, Yura, you’re the love of my life.  I’m sorry I used the wrong words,” Otabek began, “It’s up to me to be there for you.  It’s something I want to do.  You’re not a chore.  You never will be.”

“How much time?”

“The rest of the season and Worlds,” Otabek said, winching when Yuri yelled.

“What the fuck are you thinking?” he demanded, “I don’t need the burden of knowing you gave up your season for me!  Call your coach and tell him you’re coming back.”

“No,” Otabek said, “You’re more important.”

“You need to finish this year!” Yuri shouted, “You’re not getting any younger, you know?  You’re running out of time.”

“Then I run out of time,” he declared.

“You’re an idiot,” Yuri muttered, looking out the window.

“No, I’m in love with you,” Otabek argued, “This is what someone does for the one they love.  They’re there for them when they need it most.  I can’t do that and skate at the same time.  I choose you, Yura.”

Yuri shifted and stared at Otabek.  Even though he’d heard the words time and again since his injury, they sunk in this time.  He knew at that moment Otabek was with him through thick and thin.  If Otabek was willing to give up his season for him, Yuri knew there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to help him.

“I don’t want to hear you complain about it later,” Yuri grumbled.

“I’d give up my career if it helped you and us.”

Feeling tears spring into his eyes, Yuri wound his fingers through Otabek’s, feeling more loved than he had in his life.

 


	9. I Can't Do This Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek's worst fear comes to life, leaving him spiraling to the depths of hell.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a VERY short chapter but powerful. After you get done reading it, I think most will realize why it's so short. I'm not really going to discuss much in the notes but I do want to leave this here:
> 
> **_***TRIGGER WARNING***_ **
> 
> If you aren't comfortable with suicide, don't read this chapter. Seriously.
> 
> Most of you know (especially from this fic) that music really helps me write. I really felt [Exit Music (For a Film)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50rlHVe6g9Q). It is especially haunting and I feel it fits Otabek very well in this chapter.
> 
> So all I ask is that you don't murder me.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

“Yuri!  I’m home.”

Silence greeted him as he walked through the door, slipping his shoes off and placing them under the accent table.  He promised to help Yuuri move boxes from his storage unit to the apartment he shared with Viktor.  Having been gone longer than expected, Otabek was thrilled to be home, hoping to spend the rest of the day lounging in bed with Yuri.

“Sorry it took so long,” Otabek yelled, going to the refrigerator and selecting a bottle of flavored water, “Yuuri took me out for lunch.  Said it was payment for helping him.  That guy doesn’t know how to accept a favor.”

Otabek figured Yuri was asleep, but he would usually shout back an insult about him being so loud.  Frowning as he thought the quiet was unlike Yuri, Otabek headed into the bedroom.  The minute he walked through the door, he knew something was wrong.  Yuri was laying on his side, the blanket covering him up to his shoulders.  Yuri wasn’t known for sleeping deeply, but Otabek figured there was a first time for everything.

When he walked around the bed and saw Yuri, the bottle slipped out of his hand and shattered into pieces on the floor.

There laid Yuri, his eyes forever open while in the soaked mess of his own blood.  The soft smile on Yuri’s lips broke Otabek’s heart along with the fact that his boyfriend was lost to him for eternity.  He thought Yuri’s depression was improving through therapy, medication and the love of those around him, but he thought wrong.  He hadn’t picked up on any signs of Yuri being suicidal and now it was too late.

Digging in his pocket, Otabek fumbled with his phone, barely able to hold onto it due to his shaky hands.  He had never felt so lost or terrified in his life, and he knew he needed help.  He couldn’t think and didn’t know who to call as he stared at the device, but jumped when it vibrated in his hand. 

“Hello?” he asked, voice trembling as he fought tears.

 _“Otabek,”_ Yuuri said, _“It’s Yuuri.  You left your wallet at our apartment.  Do you want to pick it up tonight?”_

“Yuuri…” Otabek choked out.

 _“What’s wrong?”_ he asked, immediately picking up on Otabek’s distress.

“It’s Yuri…” Otabek said, the sobs slipping from him.

 _“What about Yuri?”_ he asked, waiting for him to reply, _“What’s wrong with Yuri?”_

“He’s gone,” Otabek said, crying in earnest now.

Letting the phone slip to the floor, Otabek scooped Yuri’s cold body into his arms, rocking him as he wailed with grief.

 

* * *

 

The pouring rain masked the torrent of Otabek’s tears, drowning the sorrow that filled his heart.  It had been four days since Yuri committed suicide and the turnout for his funeral was astronomical.  Everyone they knew from the skating community showed up and offered their condolences to Otabek, but he barely registered his surroundings.  His gaze was fixed on the steel grey casket at the front of the room.  He expected Yuri to sit up, telling everyone it was a terrible joke that had gone on for too long but Otabek knew better.  He had never felt so lost in his life.  Since returning to Yuri’s life after breaking up, he and Otabek began planning their future together.  They had talked about buying a small house in the countryside, discussed visiting Otabek’s family in Kazakhstan, even vacationing in the Caribbean. 

The funeral was held immediately after the visitation and Otabek didn’t know how he was going to go on with his life.  The casket had been closed and carried to the graveside.  Yuuri remained with him while Viktor helped transport the casket along with the other pallbearers.  Once he was standing in front of the gaping hole that would be Yuri’s final resting place, Otabek mentally checked out.  He didn’t hear the words from the preacher, didn’t feel Yuuri catch him before he fell to the ground.  All he knew was the minute Yuri was placed into the ground, he would never see him again. 

The groundskeeper waited for the nod from the preacher and gently lowered the casket into the freshly dug ground.  Otabek felt sudden panic consume him and he freed himself from Yuuri’s grasp, shoving people away from him and falling to his knees in front of the gaping hole.  Sobs racked his body as he looked into the grave.  He didn’t want to leave his beloved.  He wanted to go back in time and stay with Yuri that day.  He wanted to keep Yuri safe and by his side, but one foolish decision and Yuri was gone forever.

Crawling toward the hole, Otabek barely registered the rain soaking him, didn’t notice the mud seeping into his pants nor did he care.  He only wanted Yuri and that was impossible at this point.  He was about to crawl into the hole, choosing to lay on the casket until he perished but felt hands holding him back.  Resigning himself to the fact he couldn’t join Yuri, Otabek pulled a black velvet box from his pocket and dropped it into the grave, giving Yuri the ring he couldn’t place on his finger in life.

 

* * *

 

The minute he walked through the door, numbness overcame him and he welcomed it.  It was the first time he’d been home in two weeks but decided it was time to return.  Spending the time with Viktor and Yuuri, Otabek felt like nothing but a burden.  He had effectually become an automaton, vaguely aware of his surroundings or what was going on.  Deciding he had enough, he ignored Viktor’s warnings and returned to the apartment.

The overwhelming smell of bleach and pine cleaner assaulted him the minute he entered the unit.  Friends had cleaned the reminder of that day away so Otabek wouldn’t dwell on it, but he knew it was fruitless.  He would never get rid of the image of Yuri laying dead in the bed, his eyes glazed with lifelessness.  He’d never forget the pool of blood that seeped into the mattress.  The bed had been replaced while he was gone much to his dismay.  When Viktor explained it was ruined and he needed a new one, Otabek finally relented and told him he didn’t care what he did.

Grabbing a fifth of whiskey from the kitchen, Otabek wandered down the hallway into the room he shared with Yuri.  Stifling a sob as he entered, Otabek sat on Yuri’s side of the bed and uncapped the bottle, downing half of it before pausing to take a deep breath.  He wanted to drink himself senseless, possibly drink himself to death so he could be reunited with Yuri.  He didn’t care about the consequences.  He just wanted Yuri back.

He picked up the hoodie Yuri loved to wear from the bedside hamper.  Laying down, Otabek held it against him and smelled the reminder of his beloved.  Only sitting up to take swigs of whiskey, Otabek cried himself into a fitful sleep.

 

* * *

 

_“Beka.”_

He didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want to be confronted with the reminder that Yuri was gone forever.  Distressed that he hadn’t slipped away during the night, Otabek felt a sob escape him.  He didn’t want to be among the living any longer.  He didn’t know how to go on without Yuri.

_“Beka, wake up.”_

The urgent sound of Yuri’s voice played tricks on him.  He knew it wasn’t possible and determined he was going mad from grief.  Knowing if he fell back to sleep, he’d escape into the dreams he had and Yuri was still alive.

_“Beka…Beka…Beka…wake up.  You’re having a nightmare.”_

Otabek’s eyes flew open and his gaze landed on Yuri.  Scooping him into his arms, Otabek held onto him for dear life, fearful that if he let go Yuri would disappear forever.  Pulling back slightly, Otabek searched Yuri’s eyes and touched his cheek, terrified the minute he felt his skin he’d vanish. 

“You died,” he choked, “You killed yourself.  I couldn’t save you.” 

“Beka, I’m not going anywhere.  Yeah, I know I say I don’t want to be here, but I’m not going anywhere.  I promised I wouldn’t leave you.”

 “You killed yourself,” Otabek whispered, repeating his previous words, “You left me.”

Yuri pulled back and searched Otabek’s eyes, frowning when he saw the terror they possessed.  He knew Otabek’s biggest fear since his suicide attempt was losing him, but Yuri promised he would never get back to that point ever again.  It had taken every ounce of strength he had at times, but he vowed not to leave the world behind.

“I’m not going anywhere, Beka,” he said, “I promised you.  I don’t go back on my promises, especially to you.”

“Don’t ever leave me,” Otabek whined, “I can’t do this alone.  I need you, Yura.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Yuri reiterated, “You can count on that.”

Sprinkling kisses on the top of Otabek’s head, Yuri held Otabek as he clung to him, crying his heart out until he fell asleep.

 


	10. Purest Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's depression gets the best of him until Otabek steps in.
> 
> * * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even think this can be considered a chapter, more like a flash. I wanted to write this to help with some thoughts I've had today, and it did! Hope you enjoy my little flash chapter and a hug can make everything better.
> 
> Hope you like it, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

Laying there motionless for hours, Yuri tried to fight the thoughts invading his mind. He was used to this battle as it happened on a consistent basis, but today was worse.

He wanted to call Otabek into the room, but he was reading the book he’d put aside since Yuri’s accident.  He knew Otabek needed time to himself and he vowed not to intrude on it unless it was imperative.  They had been falling into a routine that seemed to help both, and they were able to go out at least once a week.  Yuri actually enjoyed himself during their excursions and didn’t fall into a deep bout of depression whenever a fan approached.  He’d thank them for their support during his career, often touched when they admitted he was still their favorite skater.

But today none of that helped. 

The self-depreciating thoughts were at an all-time high and Yuri was losing the battle.  He tried setting the alarm to give him time to write a letter to his grandfather, but his mind was his worst enemy today.  Thoughts of he should have done better crossed his mind quite often in the hours he spent laying in bed.  He should have waited for Viktor that evening, he should have set his pride aside so he could heal quicker, he should have never tried to kill himself.  He never should have pushed Otabek away and out of his life for over a month.  He should have followed his doctor’s recommendations and got out of the house more often.  He should have gone out walking on beautiful days, using the treadmill at the gym when the weather wasn’t favorable.  But he had spent so much time wasting away he didn’t know how to get out of it.

He had become a professional hermit, only leaving the apartment during hospitalizations or when it was absolutely necessary.  He wanted to be left alone, even when it came to Otabek.  He hated that he pushed him away, but he didn’t want to constantly be bringing him down with the darkest of his thoughts. 

Yuri rolled over and growled, shoving the pillow over his head as he fought tears.  He didn’t want to die, but he didn’t want to be alive.  He wanted to be left alone, but he so desperately needed those that loved him in his life.  He wanted to feel alive again, not this shell of a person destined to be nothing for the rest of his life.  Thinking of how his life would never be the same, a sob escaped him before he could stop it.

“Rough morning?”

Yuri removed the pillow and looked at Otabek entering the room, sitting on the edge of the mattress moments later.  He yearned for Otabek’s comforting touch on his calf and the gentle rubbing that followed it.  Otabek had learned that massage relaxed Yuri and he was more than happy to help out, even if it took all day. 

Otabek could tell by the shimmering in Yuri’s green eyes that it wouldn’t help that morning.  They had only reached this point one other time, so Otabek did the only thing he knew would ease Yuri’s mind.

He opened his arms and waited for Yuri to collapse into them, erupting into tears within seconds.


	11. That's What Really Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the monotony of life begins to tear at Yuri, a day unlike any other lifts his spirits.
> 
>  
> 
> “I can’t stand this anymore,” Yuri said within five minutes of Otabek’s arrival.
> 
> “What, Yura?” Otabek asked, concern coloring his voice.
> 
> “The monotony. I do the same thing every day with a few changes once in a while,” Yuri explained, “I have no purpose.”
> 
> “Sure you do,” he countered.
> 
> “Name one,” Yuri demanded, crossing his arms on his chest.
> 
> “You make me happy. I love coming home and seeing you. I miss you all day when I’m not with you,” Otabek stated.
> 
> “You’re not getting my point,” Yuri said in exasperation, “I need to do something for ME.”
> 
> “Have you talked to your therapist about it?” Otabek asked, watching Yuri nod, “What did she say?”
> 
> “Give it time,” Yuri replied, echoing the woman’s words, “I have to do something, Beka. I’m wilting inside.”
> 
> “Well, it’s not going to fix everything, but I can take the day off tomorrow and we can roam the city,” Otabek said, pressing a finger against Yuri’s lips when he tried to protest, “It’s a break from the boredom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Under every dark cloud is a silver lining. Sometimes it's just a sliver, but it's there. Yuri finally begins to see his in this chapter. 
> 
> This is the second to last chapter in this series. It's been a long ride and extremely helpful during my own battle with depression this time around. I have heard some people can relate to this story, and while it saddens me I'm glad it does. I hope you find your own silver lining as well. Just keep looking!
> 
> A couple of notes:  
> 1) This chapter is about healing. It's about things that one sees when they're emerging from a depressive episode. Somethings may seem like it's extraneous information, but it's there for a reason.  
> 2) When someone goes through trauma/depression that's immense, their physical appearance can change. That's what happened with Yuri (the scene with his hair). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

The day dragged by like any others.  He had gone to therapy like he did every week, talking to the woman about what was new in his life and what was bothering him.  He felt as if he were finally reaching an even keel, but he had a new enemy to battle: boredom.

Yuri arose each morning to take his medicine and fix breakfast for Otabek and himself.  After kissing Otabek goodbye, he headed over to Viktor’s and Yuuri’s apartment to get Makkachin. He promised to watch the dog while they were at practice and it was nice having the company of the canine.  Walking Makkachin helped ease the pain in his aching leg muscles, almost to the point it was nonexistent. 

After returning to the apartment after the first walk of the day, Yuri would write in his journal.  His therapist had recommended it, and he had to admit getting his feelings on paper was beginning to help.  Lunch was next.  He found that eating three meals a day along with a couple snacks helped improve his mood as well.  He talked to Makkachin while preparing his meal, pretending to carry on a full conversation with the dog.  When he was ready to eat, he’d split his sandwich with Makkachin and they’d eat in silence.

The rest of the day was filled with activities to pass the time until Otabek returned home.  Somedays he read, others he wandered the town with Makkachin in tow.  This time of day bored him the most, but he refused to use sleep as a coping mechanism any longer.  He had to work through the anxious discomfort and knew he’d come out stronger than ever.

“I can’t stand this anymore,” Yuri said within five minutes of Otabek’s arrival.

“What, Yura?” Otabek asked, concern coloring his voice.

“The monotony.  I do the same thing every day with a few changes once in a while,” Yuri explained, “I have no purpose.”

“Sure you do,” he countered.

“Name one,” Yuri demanded, crossing his arms on his chest.

“You make me happy.  I love coming home and seeing you.  I miss you all day when I’m not with you,” Otabek stated.

“You’re not getting my point,” Yuri said in exasperation, “I need to do something for _ME_.”

“Have you talked to your therapist about it?” Otabek asked, watching Yuri nod, “What did she say?”

“Give it time,” Yuri replied, echoing the woman’s words, “I have to do something, Beka.  I’m wilting inside.”

“Well, it’s not going to fix everything, but I can take the day off tomorrow and we can roam the city,” Otabek said, pressing a finger against Yuri’s lips when he tried to protest, “It’s a break from the boredom.”

“Fine.”

“We’ll do whatever you want to do, Yura,” Otabek said, gathering him into his arms, “Now I think someone forgot to give me my welcome home kiss.”

Smiling at him, Yuri wound his arms around Otabek’s neck and gave him a kiss that held the love he felt for him.  Trying to impress gratitude, Yuri knew it was understood when Otabek held him tighter.

For the first time in months, Yuri was excited for what the next day held.

 

* * *

 

The day began like most, Yuri rising to take his medication along with making breakfast for the both of them.  The sense of urgency had evaporated from the day, however, leaving Yuri breathing easier than he had all week.  He was looking forward to spending the day with Otabek.

They had talked the night before about places to visit.  Otabek declared he wanted to pamper Yuri since it had been a while.   Yuri admitted he wanted to visit Lilia’s dance studio since he hadn’t been there in a long time.  Asking Yuri if he was sure, Otabek added it to the list.

They planned on filling their day with museums, shopping and strolling the streets for anything else that struck their fancy.  Talking about it while they ate, they narrowed down specific areas they’d like to explore and stores to shop at.  When Yuri mentioned he wanted to visit a trendy alternative fashion store, Otabek saw a glimpse of the old Yuri returning.

They hurried through getting ready.  Taking time only to braid Yuri’s hair, Otabek marveled at the silkiness and flaxen appearance of Yuri’s hair.  Otabek knew Yuri had been doing better in recent months, but seeing the physical traits he fell in love with return to Yuri reaffirmed his belief.

Making sure Potya had enough to eat while they were out, they headed out of the apartment and left the building.  Strolling through the street hand-in-hand, Otabek listened to the animated chatter from Yuri.  It was refreshing to hear him talk about how excited he was for the day and what he hoped to accomplish.  Even though he was enthusiastic, Otabek could tell Yuri was holding something back.

The park was busy when they got there and skaters were on the public ice rink.  Trying to steer Yuri away from it, Otabek was stunned when he insisted they watch the people enjoying the sport.  They leaned against the rail and watched the ever-evolving rotation of people.  Looking at Yuri when he felt a sigh escape him, Otabek covered Yuri’s hand with his own.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Yuri replied, “I just miss it, you know?”

“I know,” Otabek said, pressing his lips against the side of Yuri’s head, “Up for some hot chocolate?”

They headed for the refreshment stand, buying hot chocolate and apple-cranberry piroshkis.  Sitting on a nearby bench, they continued to observe the merriment happening in the rink while eating.  Several people recognized them, asking for autographs and telling Yuri how much they missed watching him.  He handled it with grace, but Otabek could tell he was hurting. 

Once they were chilled to the bone, they left the park to head to a nearby palace Otabek had never visited.  They had made plans years ago to check it out, but Yuri’s injury delayed the trip.  The palace was everything Otabek had imagined and more.  While some of the areas were off-limits, the posh surroundings impressed both of them, even though Yuri had been there before.  Taking their time winding through the rooms, they were both enamored with the estate by the time they left.

The clothing shop was next on their list.  Yuri hadn’t been there in almost three years and he found himself happy he was back.  The minute they walked through the door, a grin crept out along his face.  The store itself hadn’t changed much, but all the merchandise overwhelmed him.  He found many items he had to get and grabbed four bags, having Otabek hold them while he filled them with garments and accessories.  He found a new tiger-striped hoodie and leopard print hightops.  A poster with a tiger roaring went in the bag without a second thought as did a new pair of leather half-gloves.  When he didn’t find anything else he wished to purchase, Yuri headed to the register with Otabek in tow.  Having a mini heart attack when the clerk announced the total, Yuri was glad he was somewhat frugal with his winnings from skating competitions and sponsorships.

They wandered around the city, sampling delicacies in many shops and buying various items from stores.  Yuri was having the time of his life until he glanced at the building across the street from them.  He had been avoiding this part of town since his accident as it brought back so many memories, but he knew it was inevitable.  Looking up when he felt an arm draped over his shoulder, Yuri saw Otabek smiling sadly.

“How about we head to the opposite side of town?  The winter festival is in full swing,” Otabek suggested.

“No.  I want to go in,” Yuri refuted, gently tugging on Otabek’s free hand and walking across the street.

The doors were still as creaky as he remembered and the chill in the air was welcoming.  It had been three years since he had stepped foot in the building and his emotions were tumultuous.  He was happy to be back, saddened it had been yanked away from him, angry at the goons that took his life from him.

“Yura?”

Yuri looked up and saw the shock on Yakov’s face.  He was standing at the railing but walked toward Yuri when he saw him.  Embracing him in a crushing hug when he reached him, Yakov’s smile was brighter than the summer sun.

“Yura, how I missed you, child,” Yakov said.

“Hey Yakov,” he said quietly.

Yuri hadn’t seen the man in over a year since it was too painful to associate with him while going through his mental dilemma.  He didn’t realize how much he missed him until he was wrapped in a loving hug from the man. 

“It’s been too long,” Yakov stated, “How have you been?”

“Better. Things are falling into place, but I still have a ways to go.”

“I’m so happy to hear that,” Yakov said, smile growing wider, “I know Georgi and Mila would love to see you.”

Yuri nodded and watched his former rinkmates glide across the frozen surface.  He had heard through Viktor that this would be Georgi’s final season and while Yuri wanted to support him, he found it extremely painful to watch any performance.  Once he found himself at the rink, however, he found a strength he thought he has lost in the attack.

Yuri greeted Georgi and Mila, catching up on the last time they saw each other.  It had been many months since Yuri talked to them and he didn’t realize how much he missed them.  They had been a close-knit family along with Viktor when Yuri was still skating, but he virtually turned his back on them after the incident that ended his career. 

After convincing them to show him their programs, Yuri leaned against the railing with Yakov and watched them.  He thought Mila’s performance was next to flawless, but Georgi’s routine needed work.  Yuri mentioned to Yakov that it lacked a certain panache which the coach agreed with, and he was surprised that Yuri picked up on it as well.  When Yakov asked Yuri what he thought it needed, Yuri was blunt.

“Georgi needs to step outside himself and channel someone heartless.  That’s what this program needs,” Yuri stated, “He’s too soft-hearted.  Hell, I could have done a hundred times better than him.”

“There’s my Yura,” Yakov said, smiling softly at him.

Yakov called Mila and Georgi over, giving them praise and criticism alike.  Yuri was shocked when Yakov mentioned his thoughts to the skaters.  He was about to interject, but Yakov silenced him.

Viktor and Yuuri had returned from lunch by that time and were surprised to see Yuri and Otabek there.  It had only been a few days since they talked, but they mentioned how happy they were to see Yuri there.  No one thought Yuri would ever return to the rink, so seeing him there was a treat for all.

“Otabek!”

Turning around when he heard his boyfriend’s name shouted, Yuri saw Otabek’s coach walking their way.  He saw the man at least once a week when he came over for dinner, but it was nice seeing him on his turf.  After pleasantries were exchanged and a few minutes talking about Otabek’s program, his coach asked him if he’d like to perform his free skate for Yuri.  Otabek agreed within seconds.

Yuri chatted with Otabek’s coach while he waited for Otabek to dress out.  He loved the times they practiced at the rink together and knew watching him skate would bring back good memories.   He was just about to ask the man about his children but halted when Otabek appeared from the locker room.

His heart never failed to flutter each time he saw Otabek in his training clothing, and he knew then he was getting better.  It had been so long since he felt physically attracted to Otabek due to his frame of mind.  It frustrated him to no end and he brought it up with his therapist many times, but she promised it would return.  Now he knew what she meant.

“You look great,” Yuri said breathlessly.

“Thanks,” Otabek said, pecking Yuri’s lips, “Wait until you see the costume.”

“That good?” he inquired.

“That good.  Watch me,” Otabek demanded.

Yuri watched as the ice cleared and Otabek was the only one standing in the rink.  Looking over when he heard the soft strums of violins from Otabek’s coach’s phone, Yuri returned his attention back to the ice.  Otabek had begun a dance that held so much fluidity, so much emotion from the get-go.  He had never seen Otabek move like he was now and it captured Yuri’s heart.  The piece evoked so much emotion from him, Otabek’s dance even more so. He was telling a tale with each spin, each jump and Yuri knew it was his side of their story.  He had barely given much thought to what Otabek felt while he was going through his own torment, but the routine expressed it perfectly.  There was sadness, helplessness, fear, hope, and love.  He didn’t know how their story was going to end, but when Otabek completed his skate and pointed at Yuri, he knew he was in it forever.

Yuri was in tears by the time Otabek joined him, throwing his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and burying his face in his chest.  He felt Otabek’s embrace and cried even harder, feeling blessed by the love he was surrounded with.  He knew why he stayed away, but the return to those that loved him and accepted him was more than he could take.  Clutching onto Otabek until his tears ceased, Yuri looked up at him and smiled.

“That’s us, isn’t it?”

“That’s us,” Otabek affirmed, “I love you with all my heart, and I’m not going anywhere.  I promise.”

“God, I love you,” Yuri whispered, crushing Otabek’s lips in a bruising kiss.

After hoots from those present at the rink, Yuri broke the kiss and flipped them off for old times’ sake.  He felt better than he had in years, but something was missing.  Something deeply embedded in his very being.  He knew it was time.

“I want to skate,” Yuri declared suddenly.

“What?” Otabek questioned, frowning slightly, “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life,” Yuri stated, grinning when Otabek balked, “Except for you.  I want to skate.  I promise no jumps or spins.  I want to feel the ice beneath my blades again.”

“Want me to go with you?” Otabek asked, relieved when Yuri nodded.

“Let’s get this man some skates!” Yakov bellowed, earning laughter from those present.

After gearing up, Yuri stepped hesitantly onto the frozen surface.  His knee was holding up so far as was his balance, but he reached out for Otabek regardless.  He felt like a burden, but knew Otabek would never think that. 

They slid across the ice in a dance of two who loved each other deeply.  It was pure, it was sweet, it was beautiful.  Only they could hear the music as they flitted across the ice in each other's arms.  By the time they finished, Yuri’s knee was throbbing but his heart was soaring. 

Otabek helped him to the gap in the railing and Viktor eased him onto the bench.  Yuri knew he had overdone it, but he wouldn’t have traded it for the world.  Being on the ice filled him with a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose.  He knew he had to come back often.

“That was beautiful, Yura,” Yakov said softly as he sat next to him, “You’ve still got it.”

“I don’t think that will happen for a while,” he said, rubbing his aching knee, “Do you mind if I come by every so often?  I want to see if I can strengthen my knee.  I know I’ll never compete again, but I need this.”

“I’ve got one better than that,” Yakov said suddenly.

“What’s that?” he inquired.

“Sven is heading to Canada next month to work in Toronto,” Yakov began, “You’ve always put together great programs, even that Madness one.”

“It wasn’t all me,” Yuri said after chuckling.

“I want you to choreograph for me, Yura.”

Yuri stared at him, completely stunned.  He never thought he’d get back in the game, but the offer was handed to him without asking.  Choreography took years to master and here Yakov was entrusting his skaters to a young man.  It touched Yuri and he felt like the pieces were beginning to fall into place.

“I’d love to.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m so proud of you, Yura,” Otabek said, snuggling closer to him as they laid in bed.  The day had been exhausting and Yuri in too much pain to walk home, so they called a taxi.  Otabek had to carry him up the stairs since the elevator was out of order, but he didn’t mind.  The minute they walked through the door, Otabek eased Yuri onto the couch and announced he was going to draw a bath for him. 

Otabek didn’t let Yuri walk for the rest of the evening, carrying him everywhere to ease the pain in Yuri’s leg.  When they finally decided to call it a night, Otabek hefted him into his arms and walked toward the bedroom, kissing Yuri as he placed him gently onto the mattress.

“You know,” he began, “I’m proud of myself.  I never thought I’d go back to the rink, but I did.  I got back on the ice even though my knee hurts like a bitch, but it was worth it.  Hell, I even came out of it with a job.  Everything is starting to feel right, Beka.”

“You worked so hard for this day, Yura.”

“I’m still going to have my off days, but I finally feel hopeful about the future,” Yuri said, “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“I’ll always be here for you, Yura, I promise,” Otabek said, turning his head and pressing his lips onto Yuri’s forehead, “Let’s get some sleep. We have an early morning.”

“That we do,” Yuri agreed, “Beka?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”


	12. All I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri works in his new capacity as a choreographer when he realizes how far he's come since his suicide attempt.
> 
> “It’s been so difficult for you, Yura, but you did it,” Otabek said, “Look at where you are today. I’m so glad you didn’t give up.”
> 
> “Me too,” he whispered, wiping the moisture from his eyes, “I think we have an early dinner to get to.”
> 
> “Let’s stop at the hotel so you can compose yourself,” Otabek suggested, “Besides, I need a shower.”
> 
> Yuri laughed and nodded. He felt as if he was soaring above the clouds with the realization he had beaten his demons. Even though he’d still have his ups and downs, Yuri would be able to tackle them with everything he had, especially with Otabek and his loved ones on his side.
> 
> “Beka?”
> 
> “Yeah?”
> 
> “I love you so much,” Yuri professed, “Thanks for not giving up on me.”
> 
> “You’re worth it, Yura,” Otabek said, pausing to kiss the tops of Yuri’s hands, “You’re so very worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter has finally arrived. I want to thank everyone for sticking with me for this long period of time for such a short story. It has been very cathartic. 
> 
> Only note I have for this one is a ruble is the currency for Russia.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, thanks for reading and let me know what you think.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Yuri!!! On Ice.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

Yuri sighed as he watched his student glide across the ice, completely ignoring the changes they had just made.  The girl thought she knew everything there was to about skating even though she’d only been in the sport for four years.  She consistently ignored Yuri’s suggestions on how to make her programs more fluid and successful, and it irritated Yuri to no end.  Deciding he had enough, he took a deep breath before yelling.

“Irena!” he shouted, “Come here!”

He waited for the petite brunette to join him and instructed her to put her blade guards on.  Once she stepped off the ice, Yuri handed her a water bottle and waited for her to catch her breath before chewing into her.  He was at his wits’ end with her and was going to give her a piece of his mind.

“Did you forget the changes we made to make your program more successful?” Yuri asked.

“They were boring,” Irena whined.

“Do you think I always skated routines that I thought were awesome?  No, I skated what maximized my potential and what everyone thought was best for that year.  When I started making my own programs, I continued the tradition,” Yuri stated, “You’re far from the point you can pick and choose what you want to do.”

“I want more pizzazz,” she said, “This routine is putting me to sleep.”

“Here’s the deal.  You either listen and continue to improve or you do your own thing and fail.  The choice is yours, but if you’re going to stay, you’re going to shape up or ship out,” Yuri declared.

“That’s not fair!” she exclaimed.

“Life isn’t fair.  Think about what I said,” Yuri said, “while you work on your step sequence.”

Yuri ignored her huffing as she returned to the ice, only looking up when he felt a presence next to him.  Yakov had his sights set on his young pupil, but Yuri could tell he wasn’t pleased.  Yakov was known as a strict coach that demanded much from his students. 

“Is she not listening again?” Yakov asked.

“Of course not,” Yuri replied, “She’s bored with her routine.”

“Reminds me of someone else I know,” Yakov said, giving Yuri a slight smile, “Take it a little easier on her.  She’s young and hasn’t been in skating long.”

“The drill sergeant telling me to take it easy?” Yuri teased, but knew Yakov was serious, “I’ll do my best.”

Sighing when Yakov left, Yuri continued to watch his young protégé.  She reminded him of Yuuri Katsuki with how impressive her step sequences were and Jean-Jacques Leroy when it came to her jumps.  She had the makings of greatness if she listened to instruction, but getting that through her head had proved to be futile thus far.

“Hey, you.”

Yuri smiled when he felt arms snake around his waist before the deep cadence of a familiar voice filled his ear.  Tilting his head until a kiss was pressed against his cheek, Yuri melted into the one embracing him.

“Hey,” he said, turning around and kissing Otabek, “Done running?”

“Yeah.  I swear coaches love torturing their pupils,” Otabek replied, Yuri taking in the sweat-stained shirt and redness on Otabek’s cheeks.

“Go hop in the shower,” Yuri instructed, “You stink.”

“You’re so kind to me,” Otabek jested, kissing Yuri once more before heading for the locker room.

Yuri smiled and thought about his boyfriend while watching him retreat.  Otabek had stuck with him through thick and thin.  Life had not been easy for them, but they were finally getting to the point that everything felt right.  While he wanted to scream it from the rooftops, Yuri was afraid his world would come crashing down around him if he did.

Turning his attention back to Yakov’s charges, Yuri’s eyes darted from skater to skater, making notes to bring up with each one.  One’s spins were wobbly while another’s free leg was the sloppiest he’d ever seen.  Irena’s step sequence had improved but still seemed choppy.  He hoped it was just her anger simmering under the surface.

Yelping when he felt a hand smack his backside, Yuri smirked when Otabek charged onto the ice to find an open spot.  Once he deemed one acceptable, Yuri watched Otabek warm up.  He went through lazy figure eights and single jumps.  Once he felt limber enough, Otabek added a few easy spins to the lineup.  Yuri could tell when Otabek was ready by the way he rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms out in front of him, weaving his fingers together and cracking his knuckles.  Yuri had spent years admonishing him about the bad habit, but finally gave up after he started coming to life again.  It was one thing that he had grown to love that made up Otabek.

Yuri kept his attention divided between Yakov’s students and his boyfriend, watching them flit across the frozen surface.  While most were fluid and graceful, Otabek was raw power and emotion.  Yuri loved watching him skate and thought there was none other in the sport that performed like he did.  While he wasn’t affiliated with Otabek’s coach, the man didn’t mind when Yuri made pointers to help maximize Otabek’s routines.

“Beka!” he shouted suddenly, waiting for him to join him, “I have an idea.”

“What’s that?” Otabek asked.

“When you do your snap spin and put your hand on your face, when you remove it how about running it through your hair?  I think it might improve your performance score.  It will evoke more emotion,” Yuri replied.

“I like that, Yura,” he said, smiling before kissing him, “Let’s see how it looks.”

Yuri watched Otabek return to his place on the ice, starting seconds before the point in the program that Yuri made the suggestion.  Thrusting his arm in front of him before covering his face, Otabek jerked in the opposite direction on the ice and ran his fingers through his hair before continuing with the routine.  It looked right and Yuri was pleased with the outcome, thinking it made the spectator feel the emotion of the piece.  Heading to the opposite side of the rink to join Otabek’s coach, Yuri waited for them to finish speaking when he reached them.

“Good eye, Yuri,” Otabek’s coach said, smiling at him, “It’s such a simple gesture but perfect.”

“Thanks,” Yuri said, grinning when the man clapped his shoulder.

“I might have to steal you from Yakov,” he teased.

“You know this is my last year,” Otabek chimed in.

“Even though you’re my best student, you aren’t the only one,” his coach said jokingly, “Let’s start from the top.”

Yuri remained with Otabek’s coach while he went through his routine once more. They chatted about the man’s children, how Yuri’s leg was doing in the cold, and the upcoming Worlds competition.  While Yuri was thrilled Otabek would be competing that year, he was worried about joining Yakov and his skaters this year.

“Still worried about running into everyone at Worlds?” Otabek’s coach asked, smiling gently when Yuri whipped his head around to stare at him, “Otabek told me.”

“Yeah, I haven’t talked to anyone but Viktor, Yuuri and the other skaters here since the accident,” Yuri admitted, “I’m not sure how it’s going to be when I walk into that arena.”

“You know everyone asks how you’re doing, especially after the couple years you’ve had,” he revealed, referring to his past suicide attempt and hospitalizations.

“I don’t want to be the pariah,” Yuri said suddenly.

“I don’t think you will be, Yuri,” the man stated, “Just see how it goes.  Easier said than done, but try not to have any expectations.  It might help.”

“Thanks,” Yuri said, giving him a weak lopsided smile.

 

* * *

 

Worlds arrived before Yuri knew it and he found himself in front of the arena the competition would be held.  He felt nervous like he hadn’t since his senior debut, but Yuri thought this was possibly worse.  Taking a deep breath, Yuri closed his eyes when he felt an arm drape across his shoulders.

“Everything will be alright, Yura,” Otabek said softly, “We’ll see whoever you want to see and if you don’t want to talk to anyone, that’s fine too.”

“Thanks,” he said, giving Otabek a weak smile, “This is the first time I’ve been back since…well, you know.”

“I do,” Otabek said, taking Yuri’s hands and squeezing them, “Remember what your therapist said?”

“My fears are probably unfounded, so give it a try,” Yuri recited for the hundredth time that week, “I truly hope they are.”

“Well, I know someone that is looking forward to seeing you,” Otabek said, looking over Yuri’s shoulder, “Chris is coming.”

Yuri took another deep breath and turned around, greeting Christophe with a strained smile.  It had been quite a while since he had seen the Swiss, but they picked up like they had seen each other last week.  They admitted they had some catching up to do and made plans to have dinner together that evening.  Once Chris left, Yuri felt the buoyancy in his mood.

“That was nice,” he admitted, grinning at Otabek.

“I’m sure there’s more of where that came from,” Otabek stated, taking his hand and leading him through the back area.

The day was set aside for practice.  Yuri kept his eyes on all four skaters under Yakov that were competing.  It made it easier since Irena had a separate practice session, Yuri knowing the girl needed his full attention.  Deeming the men ready, Yuri waited for them to leave the ice so the ladies could practice.

Yuri chatted with a few of Yakov’s charges while Irena warmed up.  He had slight modifications to make to all of the programs, but overall Yuri told them he was pleased with their progress.  Once he had finished talking to them, Yuri directed his full attention to Irena.  She was in the beginning phase of her short program and Yuri was pleased with what he saw.  She became one with the ice and he could tell she listened to his instruction.  Her movements flowed together flawlessly and Yuri was left thinking this was the best she had skated so far.  When she was finished, she glided over to Yakov and Yuri.

“That was beautiful, Irena,” Yakov said, “Keep that up and you’ll be a serious contender for the gold.”

“Really?” she asked incredulously.

“Really,” Yakov reiterated, looking at Yuri, “Do you have anything to add?”

“No.  You did a great job.  Keep up the good work,” Yuri said, smiling at the girl moments later.

Irena skated off to work on her step sequence once more and Yuri turned to see a familiar pair walking toward him.  It had been years since he’d seen Leo and Guang-Hong, choosing to alienate himself rather than keep in contact with those he’d left behind.  While most of them treated him like an invalid and he voluntarily lost contact with them, Leo and Guang-Hong often asked how Yuri was doing.  Otabek came home after every competition with regards from them, which Yuri ignored in his depressed state.  After years of therapy, however, he knew he shouldn’t have shunned them.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” Leo said when he reached Yuri and grasped his shoulder, “How’s it going, man?”

“Pretty good,” Yuri said, shaking Guang-Hong’s hand when he extended it, “I’m choreographing now.”

“Otabek told me.  I’m glad you’re back,” Leo admitted.

“I’m glad you’re back too, Yuri!” Guang-Hong exclaimed, “It hasn’t been the same without you.”

“Thanks,” he said.

They spent the next thirty minutes catching up and Yuri extended the dinner invitation to the two.  He knew Chris wouldn’t mind since he often claimed the more, the merrier.  After finalizing their plans, Yuri excused himself so he could return to work.

“Yuri,” Yakov began, “I wanted to talk to you.”

Yuri felt his heart speed up and hoped it wasn’t bad news.  Life had been going so well lately he’d been waiting for the world to open up beneath him.  Hoping it wasn’t negative, Yuri took a deep breath before speaking.

“Ok,” Yuri said, “I’m all ears.”

“You’ve been doing such a wonderful job with the skaters and I thank you,” Yakov started, “You’ve gone beyond the role of choreographer.  I wanted to offer you the option of becoming an assistant coach.”

Yuri felt his jaw drop, not believing the words he was hearing.  He had daydreamed in his younger days about coaching when his time was up, but he never expected it at such an early age.  He’d be the youngest coach on the circuit and even though it was an assistant’s job, he was flabbergasted Yakov suggested it.

“You’re not joking, are you?” Yuri inquired.

“When have you known me to jest about something this serious?” Yakov asked.

Yuri stared at him.  He never knew Yakov watched him that intensely, never knew he thought Yuri was doing a fine job.  Yakov wasn’t one to praise often, demanding those under him to work even harder.  A reward like this was practically unheard of by the man.

“I’d be honored,” Yuri said, smiling when Yakov shook his hand.

“Then it’s settled,” he stated, “When the season starts back up, you’re my new assistant coach.”

Otabek had joined him by that time and was talking to Yuri, but he didn’t hear a word his boyfriend said.  He was too busy mulling over the conversation he just had, not believing his luck.  When he felt a hand on his shoulder, Yuri looked up at Otabek, completely clueless.

“Are you alright?” Otabek questioned, his brows furrowing in concern.

“Yeah,” Yuri said, “Yakov just offered me an assistant coaching position.”

“Really?” Otabek asked, grinning when Yuri nodded, “I’m so proud of you.  Now I don’t have to worry about leaving you home alone during competitions.”

Otabek planned on retiring after Worlds and would be working as a personal trainer under Yakov and his own coach.  Yuri supported him in his decision, and while he was proud of his boyfriend for having something lined up after retirement, he wasn’t looking forward to lonely nights in a quiet apartment. 

“It’s going to be amazing,” Yuri said, handing Otabek his blade guards when he stepped off the ice, “Let me watch Irena one more time and we’ll get out of here for the day.  It’s almost time for Group C’s practice to start.”

Yuri didn’t have any students in the rest of the groups practicing that day since they were handled by the other choreographer.  He needed the time to relax since he expended so much nervous energy contemplating what could happen that day but didn’t come to fruition.  He was relaxed in a way he hadn’t felt in years, he felt like he was back home.  Though he was working in a different capacity, he had come full circle. 

“I am so proud of you, Yura,” Otabek said suddenly, tilting his head when Yuri frowned at him, “You don’t know what today is, do you?”

“It’s the day before Worlds start.”

“No, Yura, it’s something more defining than that,” he said, continuing when Yuri stared at him in confusion, “It’s two years to the day since your suicide attempt.”

Yuri stared at Otabek as the past flooded his mind.  Contemplating the blade before pressing it into his skin, feeling the sweet release of pain, the fear and sadness of realizing he didn’t succeed.  It had been a hard fought battle, but he was finally at a place he could honestly say he was content. 

“I didn’t realize it’s been that long,” Yuri said, his eyes filling with tears as he remembered his journey to where he was now.

Before emotion consumed him, Yuri felt Otabek’s strong arms around his small frame and pull him against him.  He shed happy tears, still hurting that he had felt such despair two years ago but amazed he could stick with making himself better and emerging to where he was now.  He felt like a phoenix and was stronger than ever.

“It’s been so difficult for you, Yura, but you did it,” Otabek said, “Look at where you are today.  I’m so glad you didn’t give up.”

“Me too,” he whispered, wiping the moisture from his eyes, “I think we have an early dinner to get to.”

“Let’s stop at the hotel so you can compose yourself,” Otabek suggested, “Besides, I need a shower.”

Yuri laughed and nodded.  He felt as if he was soaring above the clouds with the realization he had beaten his demons.  Even though he’d still have his ups and downs, Yuri would be able to tackle them with everything he had, especially with Otabek and his loved ones on his side.

“Beka?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you so much,” Yuri professed, “Thanks for not giving up on me.”

“You’re worth it, Yura,” Otabek said, pausing to kiss the tops of Yuri’s hands, “You’re so very worth it.”

 

* * *

 

Yakov’s team walked away with gold in men’s, ladies’, and pair skating by the time Worlds ended.  They had planned a party that evening, but also to celebrate Otabek’s close win and claiming the silver.  Viktor teased Otabek mercilessly, telling him he was stuck in the sandwich between he and Yuuri on the podium.  Otabek chuckled, but Yuri only rolled his eyes at his friend’s lame words. 

On the way back to their room, Otabek and Yuri walked in silence, holding hands and ambling toward the hotel.  Yuri’s mind was swimming with thoughts of days past along with what the future held.  Two years ago he thought his life over and deemed it not worth living any longer.  It took quite a while for him to get to the point he found something to live for, finding it in the love Otabek gave him.  Eventually, he began to want to live for himself again. 

“Ruble for your thoughts,” Otabek said suddenly.

“I was just thinking about the past two years,” Yuri said, looking down and seeing the scars on his wrists, “I can’t believe I almost ended it with one brash thought.”

“Yura, you hit your limit,” Otabek reminded him, “I’m glad you didn’t succeed and I can’t say I understand your frame of mind then, but I knew I could never leave you.”

“What a hell of a time, eh?” Yuri asked, smirking when Otabek nodded, “Where do you think the next two years will have us?”

“Well, I see you coaching and me doing my thing with personal training,” he said, “We’ll still be globetrotting.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Hopefully you’ll let me make you Yuri Altin-Plisetsky,” Otabek said, grinning when Yuri’s head whipped around to face him, “I’ve wanted to ask you for a while now, but the timing hasn’t been perfect until now. You’re yourself again, so I figured I could ask.”

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Yuri inquired, eyes widening when Otabek nodded, “Is this a proposal?”

“I guess it is,” he answered, “You’ve never been one for the overly romantic things.”

“Yes!” Yuri exclaimed, throwing his arms around Otabek’s neck, “Yes!”

Thinking his life finally fell into place once more, Yuri kissed Otabek with all the emotion he’d felt for the past two years, sealing their fate with all the love he had for Otabek. 

 


End file.
